Hump Days: Buttermilk Biscuits & Online Dating Profiles
New to online dating (hehe!).. Not really me but I thought I’d give it a try! A little bit about me… I’ve lived in Denver for the past three years and came out for the skiing. The powder is so awesome! I really love the lifestyle out here, whether it is going up for the...
Hump Days: Fun, Sin & Condoms
The good news is that 2/3 of the world’s population has easy access to condoms and here “easy access” is defined as taking less than two hours per month to acquire and less than 1% of their monthly income to purchase. The bad news is that everyone still hates condoms. The porn industry made this...
Hump Days: The Mythical Tebow
Do other people call him the Teebs or is that just something between the two of us? Between me and my television set on Sunday evening when he threw the longest overtime touchdown pass in the shortest amount of time ever (11 seconds) and I screamed out “YES! YES! YES!” from the couch while...
Hump Days: The Tower of Doom
Is love waking up on a Sunday morning, discovering your boyfriend has peed in the bed and thinking to yourself, I won’t immediately tell everyone about this?? Maybe, but I think a better analogy is The Tower of Doom. We arrived at Elitch Gardens approximately four hours after I pulled back the covers to our...
Hump Days: Saturdays are for Gladiators & Perverts
If you ask my boyfriend for a snowboarding lesson, he’ll make an unenthused face before diplomatically explaining to you that spending a day listening to you complain about the cold while wearing a marshmallow suit might not be that great for him. I wish he had the same attitude about golf lessons, but, alas, he...
Hump Days: An Idea from the Future
My friend, Anne, got engaged this weekend and after all the congratulations, I asked, “Are you going to keep your last name?” And because she has known me since high school and even suggested last week that sometimes I adorn a judgmental bitch face, said, “I don’t know” when I suspect the real answer was “Of...
Hump Days: Blondes vs. Brunettes
Last week, I was reading about how much high-end escorts can make in Super Freakonomics and thinking I had found my new profession. For 3 nights a week of work, you can make about $200,000 a year in Denver, which means in a larger city, your vagina could even be lazier- and the best part is that...
Hump Days: Is Monogamy Passé?
I abhor cheating. I abhor cheating because it is exactly like saying, “This one act is more important than all of the pillow talk and inside jokes and holidays and confessions we had together, and I don’t even respect you enough to tell you the truth.” That is harsh and generalizing and I absolutely mean...
Hump Days: The Land of Conjecture
Thanks to Facebook, four of us collectively crowded around an iPhone at the Snug last night staring at a photo of my friend’s new boyfriend’s ex-girlfriend: an unfortunately attractive Asian woman curled up on a surfboard being all around adorable. Usually when Facebook is employed in a full stalking session, you can say comforting things like,...
Hump Days: I Want Your Sex
I want my friend, Holly, to have sex with her new boyfriend really bad just so that I’ll have something to gossip about. Believe me when I tell you an anecdote about a piggy with a pizza problem has gotten A LOT of mileage around here but it’s almost time to retire that classic quip. Anyway, her vagina isn’t budging though...
Hump Days: Better than Texas, Not as Good as New York
If the state of New York had a right hand that was prone to overly stupid physical gestures, I would high-five it this week. In fact, if the state of New York wanted a hug, I could even do that. A French kiss, totally. If New York said to me, “It’s been awhile since I’ve felt...
Hump Days: Bingo
This is what I remember: it was June, it was hot and there was a moron on the other side of my coffee table. I couldn’t hear what he was saying because I had concluded that we could never have anything serious. Thus, it was time to bail, and I was trying to say this, but I kept getting distracted...
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