Hump Days: Buttermilk Biscuits & Online Dating Profiles

New to online dating (hehe!).. Not really me but I thought I’d give it a try!

A little bit about me… I’ve lived in Denver for the past three years and came out for the skiing. The powder is so awesome! I really love the lifestyle out here, whether it is going up for the day to Breck or messing with my dog at the park or just bbq-ing with friends, I am pretty much comfortable in any situation.

Speaking of friends, they would describe me as loyal, friendly, honest and funny. I can pretty much make any party better. I like to laugh and enjoy bringing laughter to others.  (hehe!)

So, what do I want in my gal pal? A good sense of humor is key. I also think a kind heart and a willingness to try new things is important. I’m super close to my family, so it’s important that she can hang with the folks and play with my cutie niece! Also, loving dogs is a plus! 🙂

Email me if it sounds like a good fit!


SOOOOOO… I just had dinner with a friend of mine that is newly single and is oh-so-close to making the precarious leap into the glamorous, sexy and extremely humbling world of online dating. And because we’re good friends, I thought I would  illustrate her future above because this is exactly the kind of terrible shit she is going to have read at least 100 times.

Where to start? Where to start?

I don’t need a declaration marked by faux laughter that you never envisioned you would be in your thirties paying $20-30/month trying to get laid.  No one does, okay? In high school, we all thought we would be married to someone super hot with a huge income by now, saying patronizing things at our own baby shower like, “I think online dating could be a really great option for someone like Karen.

Maybe Karen could get excited for a completely fucking boring and generic paragraph about your love of skiing or boarding, your dog, bbq-ing and the great weather out here, but anyone with a personality would realize that saying something like that in Denver is about as significant as saying, “When I’m hungry, I like to eat.” These are not distinguishing points or good conversation starters nor are they a window into your soul. And presuming your soul is actually somewhere cool and fun to be, you can state something simple, light and relevant about yourself that will give others something to build off of. Example: “I’m a monster before 9:00 AM.” And if I’m reading this and want to talk to you, there are a lot of places to go with this: are you a monster because you stay up late? Because you’re hungry? Because your girl friend is still at the house?

There is a rule in writing that carries over well to online profiles and that rule is: show don’t tell. I don’t actually doubt that some of these people would be described as loyal and honest and the life of the party but anyone could state that. I imagine that somewhere out there Newt Gingrich’s profile on espouses his Catholicism and ethical principles, his ability to build governments and lead the people and that’s because that sounds better (both to yourself and an audience) than the truth which is: Newt Gingrich is basically an immoral bully with the body type of a butter milk biscuit. Assuming you aren’t Newt Gingrich, think about actually writing something funny rather than writing, “I’m funny.”

My friend then proceeded to ask me about what I would write when describing what I wanted in a man, and I said, “I don’t really know because I’ve always totally wanted to date myself” which in show don’t tell form would sound like, “I’m looking in a mirror right now getting all hot and bothered.” As a side caveat, I always thought this was true but my boyfriend is actually not that much like me and if he was I’d probably call him a douche bag the way I call myself a douche bag the morning after a night of heavy drinking, and so I’d just like to say you don’t always know what you want but we can all assume you want someone that is mildly funny and has a heart. It’s basically a given that we would all like someone nicer, kinder and funnier than Stalin.

And, finally, man up. “Hehe” is like LOL and I don’t need someone to let me know they are laughing out loud at their house over something totally not funny and/or demanding as much of me. Likewise, I only use ! with my grandma because it’s her preferred form of speaking and the 🙂 only ever comes out when my boss and I are exchanging slightly rude sentiments to one another over email but don’t want to get called out on our bullshit. Example: Did you need this before or after you finish up with that youtube video of a cat falling asleep? 🙂

One last thing that isn’t here because it’s not as relevant to the male profile as it is to the female profile- but I feel like occasionally when I used to scope out my competition, I would see things like, “Been hurt in love but willing to try again!”  This is basically a beacon that bad people can hear no matter where they are at in the world and which will translate into them moving into your house and buying groceries once every two months when they aren’t coming onto your roommate. Everyone is insecure about something and you should trust someone eventually enough to be comfortable confiding as much but in the beginning, it’s good to not advertise that. It’s good to keep those feelings in a safe place for now.

All of that said, I’m a huge advocate of online dating, as evidenced by this April article where I state something that I strongly, strongly believe: saying you are on might be humbling now, but when you are walking down the aisle with the love of your life, you won’t hesitate to announce the merits of online dating.


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