I want my friend, Holly, to have sex with her new boyfriend really bad just so that I’ll have something to gossip about. Believe me when I tell you an anecdote about a piggy with a pizza problem has gotten A LOT of mileage around here but it’s almost time to retire that classic quip. Anyway, her vagina isn’t budging though because she’s read The Rules. “I know I have to wait like eight dates if I want to pretend to be a lady.” She reports.

“I would probably dump you if you made me wait eight dates.”

“Really?!?!” She is astonished.

“Really.” I confirm. “It’s 2011, Holly. You’re thirty. Your right hand has a filthier reputation than Andy Dick. Why would you make me wait? Dates cost money, HOLLY.”

“I need you to respect me.”

“If you think dry humping your leg until August is going to make me respect you (i.e., want to marry you), you have another think coming.”


This Happen article advocates waiting the way Holly advocates waiting. It’s not groundbreaking, but it suggests that taking your time before jumping into the sack is not only beneficial to your long-term relationship, but also the American standard. While 29% of Americans have had sex on a first date, most people don’t even have their first kiss until the second date, and while men wait an average of three dates to give someone the business, women usually wait five dates before relinquishing their mental chastity belt. Incidentally, couples usually decide whether or not they want to be exclusive between dates 6-8, which may or may not correspond directly with your fitness (or lack thereof) between the sheets.

For those of you that decide to get right to it, on average, men feel 3x more satisfied about first date sex  than women do, and women feel twice as ashamed. I counter though that that statistic is bullshit, simply because no one has ever admitted to me that they really enjoyed a one night stand (male or female.) I know this is where people who need to compensate roll their eyes and high-five someone while saying, “It was so awesome banging that club girl last night before discovering the only thing we had in common was Cool Ranch Doritos” but I still don’t buy it. I’m not against a hot one night stand, it’s just that it’s only ever happened in my imagination between two good-looking Europeans, which more or less means, I can’t fathom it.

On an interesting side note, while most men report that they would not call a girl again who put out on the first date, they see no problem with calling one that puts out on the second, HOLLY. Don’t make me tell you about the Pizza Piggy again.  

Anyway, the results from the Esquire sex quiz are interesting (more interesting even than Cool Ranch Doritos) and can be found here:


And this totally unsupported list of statistics about sex is also interesting and can be found here: