Hump Days: The Mythical Tebow


Do other people call him the Teebs or is that just something between the two of us? Between me and my television set on Sunday evening when he threw the longest overtime touchdown pass in the shortest amount of time ever (11 seconds) and I screamed out “YES! YES! YES!” from the couch while my boyfriend, the Patriots’ Traitor, bathed himself in Stetson cologne while petting his favorite framed Tom Brady photo??

Like most of Denver, I can’t help myself: there is just something about that goofy grin, those enormous guns, that eternal optimism and the rumored virginity of the mythical Tebow that gets me all excited. Not excited enough to pray, but excited enough to watch football and say things like, “he was the first college sophomore to win the Heisman trophy” and “he has the best-selling NFL jersey since being drafted” and “Last week’s USA Today poll listed him as the eleventh most admired man in the United States” and “He is allegedly the only NFL quarterback ever to cry on national television and to be a virgin.”

And, possibly the only person over the age of 23 in America to retain their virginity as well. Okay, not so much, but 90% of Americans give it up by age 23 (he’s 24- not to mention an NFL quarterback which makes this phenomena about as likely as spotting a unicorn). Anyway, the average delicate age for said magical event is 17.4 for females and 17.0 for males.  This number is slightly higher for Hispanics (18) and Catholics (17.7) and lower for African Americans (16) and people without a religious affiliation (16.) By age 18 though, 54% of the male population and 58% of the female population has had sex.  The number is 98% for people by the age of 30.

And, yes, if you were wondering, age 31 is the age where you digress, and here I mean, role play being a virgin: “Does it always hurt like this? Do you like like me? Is everyone this big?” I wouldn’t know, but I’ve heard men like it when you say those things. Those filthy, dirty things.

Speaking of filthy and dirty, Cosmo did a little poll on dating a virgin and 80% of their respondents said they wouldn’t mind dating a virgin; 81% said they wouldn’t be upset if they found out if a man was a virgin after they started dating and 50% said they would respect someone’s choice to wait.

The Teebs certainly seems to have done just about everything his own way and it seems to be working in his favor; let’s just keep our fingers crossed that one more week of pent up sexual frustration and prayer can lead us to a division win over the Patriots on Saturday.



1 comment
  1. If The Teebs lost his virginity he would become like the rest of us mortal men. He’s like Samson before he cut his hair!! This weekend he will be Daniel vs Goliath and if he wins I’m calling Vegas and placing a bet that his next feat will be a nationally televised event where he walks on water, that isn’t frozen.

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