If you haven’t been keeping up, I’ve lost considerable poundage since NYE 2010, quit smoking circa October 2011 (gained 15 back since then, losing it now) and started working out with The BodyLab a couple weeks ago. Como se dice “fucking hard” en espanol? That’s what all of this has been, pretty much.

No more yo-yos.

And, because the relief of getting back on the horse (is that even a phrase?) and the shiny newness of my new gym-home is now giving way to the reality of my current body state, I’m just a touch…humiliated, honestly. “We understand these phases clients go through and are ready and prepared to help offer perspective and encouragement to keep you showing up to the fitness salt mines week in and week out,” Matt says. “It’s just like any other intimate relationship, in that you’re going to have periods of lukewarmness and periods of extreme euphoria, and everything in between.” I know somebody somewhere relates to that. I let myself go, years ago–to my job, to my friends, to bad men, to over-indulgences…and now, being a healthy, tiny, lovely thing is terribly difficult. I yo-yo-ed (planning on that just being a yo-yo and done, not an Oprah or a Janet or an Xtina roller coaster). You know when you look in the mirror and you’re like, “Okay, okay. Not so bad. Not loving that little bump there and whoa boooooty, but really, it’s pretty good compared to…”? Well, what the hell is that about? Seriously. We should be looking in the mirror and unable to look away. Who doesn’t want to be hypnotized by their own gorgeous reflection? That’s first things. That’s one.

Here’s two: The workouts, for sure, are stupid hard. I have a range of emotions about them. Once I’m there, I’m somewhere between disgruntled and all in (tend to lean to the all-in side). The “warm-ups” at The BodyLab rocket a person into physical activity more quickly than one’s mind can keep up with–and that’s where disgruntled comes in. They’re like warming up for a 10k with a 7k. And, I have to tell you–I have a boo boo already. I cut my knee doing clapping push-ups on a Bosu ball. The sheer weight of my mass rubbed on the ground and created a floor burn. “How many different ways can I feel like a chunker?” I thought, as I hyperventilated. I don’t mean to straight complain. I just feel klutzy and soft, okay? When we do high knees as a warm-up, I can see everything bouncing around–my chest, my tummy, my thighs. It’s a mess. It doesn’t matter if it’s not apparent to anyone but me. I will do the hard work to earn that slender feeling back and to own it for good. But, at the moment, I’m eating humble pie.

This entry isn’t about marinating in despair or some sort of feel-sorry-for-me bitch fest.  That would be not doing anything about it. That would be complacency. I think a certain amount of humiliation right now is what I’ve earned (read: fifteen pounds). I know this is just part of it–feeling a little awkward and a little bit gross when you begin to address the blubber. I’m acknowledging it because so many people don’t. Maybe it’s because they’re afraid they’ll feel their butt jiggle when they jog or won’t be able to touch their toes when everyone else is doing it so easily. But, that mentality just makes it worse. And, at the same time, it’s easy to be gusto for a couple weeks and then, when the reality of what you’ve done to yourself comes crashing down, it’s impossible not to examine it with open eyes. And for some people, it’s probably pretty easy to quit. That’s not me. But, I can see why this ego check could crush some one.

Maybe at the end of four years, The BodyLab will equip you with the tools to stay fit on your own, but it always requires ‘continuing education.’  like any other life-changing experience, such as college or marriage, The BodyLab isn’t going to be without it’s frustrations and challenges, but as long as you’re committed to the process and end result, it’s well worth it,” Matt told me, in response to my fluctuating emotions. And, that could sound pretty scary. Four years? But what’s scarier is what I will do to myself for forever without it.

So, my eyes are open. Here’s what I’ve seen: I’m working my ass off, I’m logging every little thing I put in my mouth. I’m cooking and grocery shopping non stop. I’m doing cardio in between. And, I have 3.5 pounds off my body because of it. I’m going to fight for it, tooth and nail.

To hear more about where I’m working out, click here.

Even at DFW, I had my Bodybugg on, tracking my calories burned. AND duck face.


Matt (on Monday): Did you do cardio this weekend? I didn’t think so. You gotta pay the Piper. He doesn’t take American Express or Visa.

Ryan (my feet were strapped into harnesses, hovering above the ground, my arms outstretched. This is an evil cousin of the push-up where you bring your suspended legs to your elbows. If you drop, you will likely slide backward, which I did. You will also likely look and feel foolish): That’s okay, Standley. You’re just not used to this kind of core work. RESET!

**Used a bike pump to do bis/tris workout. Tyler said he picked those suckers up. We pumped it 150 times per visit.

Matt, while dressed as MacGruber: If you’re feeling weak, just think of the unicorn. (He happened to be wearing an orange cut-off sweat shirt with a unicorn on it and the words “dream catcher.)

Matt as MacGruber: My name is no longer Hollywood. It has changed to Walking Fantasy. (Then, he repeated it through the megaphone.)

Laura Standley has been editor in chief of 303 Magazine since 2007.  To read her past blog entries, click here.