I don’t know a thing about baseball. I mean, I get the gist. I understand that you swing a bat at a ball, three strikes and you’re out, yadda yadda, but I’m sure there’s more to it than that. If there wasn’t, I, myself, might have a mighty good shot at winning the World Series, too, yes? But, for now, congratulations to the St. Louis Cardinals for their win.
Despite my lack of knowledge about the baseball world, I would have liked to see the final game of the year. I love the fans after a major victory, especially when they were the underdogs. Honestly, I think baseball fans might be my favorite, with their chants and cheers whenever their favorite player goes up to bat. As the retail world may have it, and as life without TV goes, I didn’t manage to see the game, but I was able to get swept up in the hoopla afterward at my favorite watering hole. While discussing the game with Brad (and I certainly didn’t have much to bring to the table), he asked me what my fantasy baseball team would be.
My pitcher would be Robert Downey Jr., as Iron Man, because he could blast that baseball at you with his palm-laser and you’d strike out before you could even blink. I can’t remember if, in movies, it’s the catcher or the umpire who says, “Ay, batta batta batta, sa-WING, batta,” but he would be Vince Vaughn, because he can talk so insanely fast, and he would tear that batter up and it would only be hilarious. I don’t know what a shortstop does, but I bet it’s a really scrappy athlete and would make some amazing plays, so I need someone who could handle it. Hayley Williams, from the band Paramore, would be up for the task because she’s so small and you could always spot her bright red hair while she darted across the field, kicking ass and taking names. Harry Potter would definitely be outfield. He can catch that Snitch like a boss, so I’m fully confident that he can catch a ball that’s double the size and that can’t fly away from him.
When it’s my team’s turn up at bat, one of my best will be Rosalie from Twilight, because she’s a vampire, immortal-ly fast and the best batter in her whole family. Bradley Cooper will be a go-to batter because who wouldn’t want to watch him running around a baseball diamond in those pants? Finally, Lil Wayne would be the hitter to win the game because he would round the bases and then meet up with Nicki Minaj at home plate to sing “Knockout,” while the fans poured onto the field. I’ve always got a few tricks up my sleeve, so Zach Galifianakis would be my champion bunter. He’s got the best goofball run and it would be the perfect way to tire out the other team, who would have to run all the way infield after running all the way out for Rosalie’s hit. Stealing bases always seemed like a sketchy job to me, and I think Captain Jack Sparrow would show us all how it’s done.
As for me, I think I would just get in the way or I would be that useless chick in the outfield, making clover chains to wrap around my mitt. So, I think aside from putting together the most money team in the history of the MLB, I’ll stick to the stands and eat my body weight in Cracker Jacks.
What about you, Denver? What’s your fantasy baseball team? But if sidelining it is your preference, I’ll bring the corn dogs, you bring the brews.
Homemade Cracker Jacks (from yumsugar.com)
You can’t go to a baseball game without this!
1/2 cup unpopped popcorn (this will make the end result supercaramelly; if you want it less sticky, use 2/3 cup unpopped popcorn)
4 teaspoons olive oil (5-6 teaspoons for 2/3 cup popcorn)
1 brown paper sandwich bag
1 piece of adhesive tape
1/2 cup shelled peanuts (Spanish if you have them)
4 tablespoons unsalted butter
1/2 cup brown sugar
1/2 cup light corn syrup
1 tablespoon molasses (you can use 2 tablespoons if you love molasses)
1/2 teaspoon salt
- Preheat oven to 350 degrees.
- Put the popcorn in a brown paper bag (if you’re using 2/3 cup, you might want to split it into two paper bags), pour in 4 teaspoons of olive oil (or more for the larger amount), and close the bag with a piece of tape. Heat it on high in the microwave for 2-3 minutes. Put it in a bowl. Add the peanuts to the popcorn.
- For the caramel, heat the butter, brown sugar, corn syrup, molasses and salt in a pan on the stove until the butter is melted, and the sugar is smooth and not grainy anymore.
- Pour this mixture over the popcorn and peanuts, stirring well. Pour it all onto a cookie sheet and place in oven for 10-12 minutes, stirring once or twice. (It will be gooey and wet.)
- Stir occasionally and let air dry until crisp, then store in an airtight container until the first pitch. (The cookie sheet will look dauntingly dirty, but hot water will easily erase all traces of sticky caramel sauce.)