About three years ago, College Journalism Scholar Dan Reimold wrote a blog for The Huffington Post called The Vocabulary of Generation Sex. It’s all about the new(ish) sex acronyms and euphemisms college sex columnists are coming up with. It’s kind of funny, but doesn’t really compete with this list of married sex terms I’ve coined.

Warning: these euphemisms are neither pretty nor sexy. If you’re currently in a LTR, don’t be surprised if you cry a little after reading this. Remember, crying is A-okay – – hell, it’s practically expected – – when you’re in a committed relationship.

For men…

156443972Blowjob: (n.) Remember when this word used to mean oral sex? (Yeah, neither does my husband.) Now, when you hear the words “blow job”, it’s at the dinner table and it’s coming out of your toddler’s mouth because she’s asking you to perform one on her piping hot spinach spanakopitas so they’ll cool faster.

Handjob: (n.) I bet you didn’t realize that, back in junior high, when you were spanking it to VHS tapes you found in your uncle’s garage, you were actually cultivating an important skill that would someday save your marriage. In a LTR? It’s time to break out those personal lubricants and dirty tapes once again. Oh, you’ll be getting hand jobs alright. Mostly from yourself.

The Porn Machine: (n.) If you aren’t in a monogamous relationship yet, you probably call it the iPad. But, your buddies with wives and kids have another name for this machine which happens to stream porn remarkably efficiently. You bachelors use your iPads to check work emails, read your favorite blogs, and occasionally masturbate. Your poor married friends use it alone in the bathroom at midnight like the animals they’ve become.

For women… 

Booty Call: (n.) A decade ago, it’s what you and your girlfriends giggled about when BMOC sent one of you a drunk message on AIM chat (which, along with the phone, is how my generation got laid in college). Today, a booty call is the phone call you make to the pediatrician’s office when your son wakes up with an inexplicable rash on his ass.

One Night Stand: (n.) It’s all you freaking want in the bedroom – – one beautiful nightstand that’s big enough to hold your book, iPhone, reading glasses, and a cup of water.

Walk of Shame: (v.) It’s what happens when you take your kids on a walk around the block and, half way through, piss your pants because childbirth has left your pelvic floor muscles utterly incompetent.

For all… 

Bumping Uglies: (v.) This is, quite literally, what LTR and married sex are all about. Breastfeeding (the end of breastfeeding, to be precise), fluctuations in weight (by both parties), and the vaginal flatulence that comes with age and childbirth are all why the dark was invented.

144278536A Hookup with Fries on the Side: (n.) Ain’t no party like a parent date-night party, ’cause a parent date-night party ends with fornication in the back of a dirty Subaru that’s parked on the third floor of the movie theater garage. If your kids eat in the car, you shouldn’t be too alarmed if an old fry ends up wedged between your partner’s butt cheeks.

Threesome: (n.) It’s what your twosome became when the baby was born, and it’s the reason us LTR folk have our own special set of sexual innuendos that, up until now, had been a secret.