About four times a year, I meet a friend from high school for dinner and we share
the most inappropriately crude and intimate details of our sex lives from the following
season with zero regard for the families sitting around us. Occasionally, we also
discuss Steinbeck or, more likely,  people who have used Facebook to broadcast their social failings, but mostly, we just over share with one another. Sometimes, our appraisals are complimentary; frequently, they are not. Last Thursday, we somehow got onto the topic of lasting times and men.

Fear not Pre-Mature Ejaculators (technically: two minutes or less), it’s a pretty common thing (30-70% in one study, 25-45% in another). Irritating for sure, but something many men are guilty of and something I feel sympathy for because I’m so neurotic that just thinking about having a penis makes my imaginary penis flaccid and apologetic. Thank God that on any given day, a woman’s contribution to sex never really has to exceed breathing and mumbling his name a few times.

Anyway, after we lightly and respectfully made fun of some people, we went on to discuss what was an appropriate amount of time for sex. I read once about some EPIC trip P. Diddy had in some city you could probably never afford because you’ll never work that hard or be as cool as Sean John, and he was modestly sharing how he hammered away at his girlfriend for thirty straight hours because not only does Sean John take his work seriously, he takes being a lover very seriously too. And then in my mind, I was thinking as I was reading it, that sounds fucking terrible.

For thirty hours, one would just have to be like, “P. Diddy…. P.Diddy… Puffy…. Sean…Piddy… Puffy…. Daddy… Puffs. You my Puffs…” Also, are we staring at each other this whole time? Are we seriously making eye contact for thirty straight hours? And you know it wouldn’t be enough for that asshole if you just said his name a few times, he’d also really need you to say stuff like, “Your Sean John fragrance for men is a mix of urban timelessness and the raw essence of what makes a man a legend. When I smell it, I smell money.”

“No Baby,” He’d put his finger against your lips, getting closer, whispering, “You smell success.” FOR THIRTY HOURS!!!

After considering this nightmare, I went home and looked up what the preferred amount of time was for sex and it is….(drum roll)… 3-7 minutes in one study, 3-13 in another. Either way, it’s not even a quarter of an hour.  The average amount of foreplay? 19 minutes. Furthermore, according to sex therapist Barry McCarthy, “Very few people have sex that lasts longer than twelve minutes.” Probably, because very few people enjoy it that long, PUFFS.