Photo: Susie Malbacias

Today I find myself dismayed, dejected and in the doghouse.

Yes, my girlfriend isn’t talking to me. How it happened, I’m not entirely sure, which is probably why it happened in the first place. But I trust she will let me know why, one way or another, eventually–assuming she decides to speak to me again.

Hey, we’ve all been there and know what a living hell the doghouse can be. Personally, it feels like I’m being flayed alive.

So while grimacing through the day without my skin attached, I pondered, what might be some delightful distractions to take my mind off being in the doghouse? There’s always the comfort of escaping to the movies, or spilling my guts (and probably TMI) to my best friend, or relaxing in a bubble bath (yes, even lesbians take bubble baths just like other chicks).

There’s also mindlessly searching the internet for strange and entertaining videos, or the latest news.

Or, if all else fails, and a more dramatic diversion is required–it’s always vajazzle time.

But no matter how hard I try to distract myself (hair shirts and self-flagellation are next on my list), I feel like I’m stuck in a Matthew Barney film and I just want out.

Personally, I hate conflict, yet I would rather not avoid it when it rears its ugly Medusa snake head. I would much rather talk it through and work things out than ever go to bed angry. But not everything is up to me, as I am well aware, especially right now. In the meantime, I find that the doghouse does not have one shred of insulation and it’s colder than San Francisco in June in here. So, Juliet, I implore you–please find it in your heart to forgive me. And soon.