1. It’s only been one minute?
Seriously? It feels like I have been on this machine for three hours and my legs feel like Jell-O. One minute is enough to burn off the half gallon of ice cream I ate yesterday, right? If I stop now maybe everyone will just assume I forgot something and had to leave real quick. Maybe I’ll start coughing really bad and excuse myself. Oh God, I can’t breathe, now I’m coughing for real, this is more embarrassing than I anticipated. I need to go to the gym more…
2. Does my butt look good in these yoga pants?
Yoga pants automatically make your butt look good, right? Crap, are they too tight? Do I have camel toe? I mean, that girl doing lunges totally does, is that what I look like? Oh God, that guy even has camel toe? Why are his shorts so tight and short? Why is there so much spandex? How are these people breathing right now? If I wear spandex next time will it scare everyone away then I won’t have to worry about how my butt looks? How do you even get into spandex that tight? This is hopeless, why did I wear this underwear.
3. Am I the only one sweating?
No, I wasn’t doing laps in the pool earlier but thanks for asking. Yes, it’s only been 5 minutes. Why are you asking me so many questions? And why aren’t you sweating? I’ve seen you run on the treadmill for 20 minutes followed by countless pull-ups. Do I have a gland issue? It just won’t stop. Oh God, I need a towel. Why did I wear a gray shirt? Does wearing spandex create a magical sweat blocker? Maybe these people are on to something.
4. Can this black guy next to me hear me listening to Ol’ Dirty Bastard?
Wait, what? Everyone in here can hear me listening to ODB? What? My headphones haven’t been plugged into my extremely white iPhone this entire time? How did I not know that? So this means everyone heard me listening to “Still Not a Player” by Big Punisher on repeat for, like, 20 minutes? Oh God, how do I recover from this? Seriously, if I had camel toe someone would tell me right?
5. Why is this guy lifting weights behind me grunting so loud?
I get it, you’re a big tough guy lifting a little more than you did last time, that’s great. But are you okay? You sound like you just pulled all of your groin muscles and are slowly dying of constipation. Do I need to leave the room? Oh God, do I need to call an ambulance? This is so distracting, what was I doing? Has it really only been one minute?!
6. Are they here on a date?
Aww, cute. A couple that works out together stays together. Screw that, worst date ever. You guys really think this is fun? There’s no food involved, and you are getting increasingly sweatier and gross by the minute. You probably smell awful. Wait, why aren’t you two sweating? Am I really the only one in here sweating?
7. I’m not crying, there’s just sweat in my eyes.
Okay, attaching a TV directly to the elliptical was just asking for me to turn to Lifetime to watch When Harry Met Sally. I’ve been stuck on this machine for over an hour because I’ve already committed to finishing this movie. Oh God, it’s the part where Meg Ryan tells Billy Crystal that she hates him but she really means that she loves him. I’m not crying, it’s sweat! Really worried about all this sweat. Can someone open a window?
If so, I never wanted my last moment before slowly descending into a workout induced death to be me looking into the gym mirror expecting to find a dime piece only to find a Midwest 4. Oh well, I’ll take it. Oh God, this spandex is tight. I can’t breathe. And I’m sweating even worse wearing the spandex. Are they still here on their date? Are you guys at least going to go eat afterwards? Are you going to shower first? And no, I’m not crying. (I’m crying a little.)
9. Why is everyone watching me?
I feel just like Henry in Goodfellas when the helicopter is following him and watching him all day (minus the whole dropping off guns at Jimmy’s thing.) This can end up one of about four ways. One, everyone is watching me because I’m lookin’ hot and look like I know what I’m doing and they are all just insecure and jealous in my presence. Two, they have been watching me struggle and are on standby to call the paramedics should my condition worsen. Three, I have camel toe (Oh God, I hope I don’t have camel toe), and four, they all have a running bet about who is going to ask me to do the Truffle Shuffle first. (It’s probably not number one.)
10. Why is everyone so dressed up?
Where did you find the time to color coordinate all of your top of the line tight-fitting, uncomfortable looking workout clothes? Oh God, no one is taking this XL Beastie Boys T-Shirt seriously. Why don’t any of these women have shirts on over their sports bras? If I just wore a sports bra I would look like Honey Boo Boo post pageant reality show pre-Celebrity Rehab with Dr. Drew. Why is everyone’s hair perfect? I put mine up in the dark this morning because ain’t nobody got time for that. It’s still only been a minute?