If you have read certain articles of mine, you know I’m a curmudgeon at heart. It’s more calloused than the Brawny Man’s hands. So, it should come as no surprise that I find Valentine’s Day to be as gross as any other VD.
I have never understood celebrating the beheading of some guys (yes, more than one) with the beheading of plants. In the words of Demetri Martin “when you give someone flowers, you’re really saying, ‘Here you go. Now watch these die… because I like you.'” On the same token, you may as well read Sierra Lione’s obituaries if you give someone a diamond for Valentine’s Day.
If any of you feel the same, (or woke up with a note on the pillow next to you from your girlfriend that simply said “I’ve been cheating on you” and smells oddly like your best friend’s cologne), here are some fantastic songs to cool your heart to a bitter, bloody popsicle.
Murs – “Please Leave”
Cupid’s Arrow Through The Heart: “All you saw was the physical, a sexy individual/Never had the thought that they would make your life miserable”
Atmosphere – “Fuck You Lucy”
Cupid’s Arrow Through The Heart: “You should get a tattoo that says ‘warning’/That’s all, just a warning”
Kanye West – “Blame Game”
Cupid’s Arrow Through The Heart: “On a bathroom wall I wrote,/’I’d rather argue with you than be with someone else’/Then I took a piss and dismissed it, like ‘fuck it’/And I went and found somebody else/”
Sage Francis – “Rewrite”
Cupid’s Arrow Through The Heart: “So this is to the bitch who cut communication/For a new relation/Selfishness spread through the nation”
Cee-Lo – “No One’s Gonna Love You (Band of Horses Cover)”
Cupid’s Arrow Through The Heart: “It’s looking like a limb torn off/Or all together, just taken apart/We’re reeling through an endless fall/We are the ever-living ghost of what once was”
Eminem – “Kim”
Cupid’s Arrow Through The Heart: “We’ll be right back/Well, I will/You’ll be in the trunk”
Outkast – “Roses”
Cupid’s Arrow Through The Heart: “She needs a golden calculator to divide/The time it takes to look inside and realize that/Real guys go for real down to Mars girls”
Lauryn Hill – “Ex Factor”
Cupid’s Arrow Through The Heart: “When I try to walk away/You hurt yourself to make me stay/This is crazy”
Little Brother – “Cheatin’”
Cupid’s Arrow Through The Heart: “She got the two-thousand minute plan/Callin her minuteman”
Del Tha Funkee Homosapien – “Love Is Worth”
Cupid’s Arrow Through The Heart: “Everybody got to know what their love is worth”
Kanye West – “Gold Digger”
Cupid’s Arrow Through The Heart: “Eighteen years, eighteen years, and on the eighteenth birthday found out it wasn’t his”
I’m such a bummer.