Hello, teen.
If you’re reading this, it means several things. One is that you have scored a date. Good job. Not a lot of teens score dates; most teens just score handjobs under the bleachers at a football game and a partner for the homecoming dance. So far, you are one notch above your peers. The other thing you reading this means is that you want to go on a cool date. No, you don’t want to go to the 16th street mall for a movie like a baby. If you’re reading this, it probably means you want to do things like a grown up.
I’m here to tell you grown ups are silly, and what they do for dates is infinitely boring because their old bones can’t take more than a little coffee date. Here are things that are way cooler than going to the mall or hitting some balls around a golf course for a while:
#1: Dancing at the Overstreet
Dancing, I say! Be honest with yourself, teen. What do you want more than a date to the homecoming dance? You want the sex. Yeah, I know, not all teens want the sex – but you do. You’re reading this article. You want to go on a fancy date. Let’s not have any self deceptions about why. Monday’s East Coast Swing night at the Overstreet is ideal. Now, this is not a club – it’s a ballroom-type affair. If you don’t know the person very well or end up thinking they’re gross, you don’t have to grind yourself on them. There’s no alcohol and therefore no age requirement, and it’s very safe. It’s also five bucks if you’re a student, which includes a lesson before the actual dance so you have some semblance of knowledge about what you’re doing. This is impressive (mostly for girls) if you’re a teen. It’s got a pretty high chance of at least getting you a goodnight kiss.
#2: Weird Stuff at Mercury Cafe
The Mercury Cafe is a really weird place. They have Tarot readings and elk steak. They have open mic nights, book signings, capoiera classes and concerts that feature bands like Harry and the Potters. This is no teen hangout, which means you will impress your date one hundred times in one night guaranteed. This is their calendar of events – you will definitely find something weird in there. You can also see their entire dinner menu (which is sort of expensive, but if you’re reading this, you probably have money to spend on a cool ass date.) The Merc also has DJed dances on it’s second level which is swanky and wonderfully decorated. You can make out there for sure.
#3: Jump Street
If you’re looking for a group date or are on the active side of things, Jump Street is the place to go. It’s got trampoline dodgeball, a foam pit, mechanical bull, and endless bouncy fun. This is not so adulty because adults a brittle and fragile and mostly can’t handle all of the exercise your young body can. Take advantage of that and show your date how virile you are. Let’s also not forget that this is a prime location for seeing boobs bounce. If you’re a girl, wear a sports bra. If you’re a boy, don’t tell her where you’re going. It’s got a nice price of $10 for two hours which is a good deal, since any more than that is kind of overkill for any girls who didn’t wear a sports bra.