“I, the undersigned, being of sound mind and hot body, henceforth do solemnly promise to avoid spelunking for extended periods of time with any new-found potential soul mate, hottie, Ms. Right or Ms. Right Now, without coming up for air and checking my bearings on a regular basis. This Oath of (Above) Groundedness shall apply from the onset of any tingly feelings or breathy-ness caused by said object of my affection and shall continue to be in enforcement through which time said babe becomes integrated into my circle of preexisting friends–heretofore referred to as my ‘moorings in the sea of hormonal waves.'”
That’s the central tenet of a made-up contract my best friend Steve wrote years ago, when I habitually forgot everything outside my bedroom–including my friends–at the onset of dating a new woman. Like an epic meal at a tapas restaurant, I have tasted many, many women. As each new dish slides up, Steve asks me to sign the contract again. And I do, mostly because he states in there that I have a hot body–who wouldn’t sign that? Normally, I don’t share information about the contract with my ladies, since they’re often not around long enough to meet my friends. But this time, I’ve left the appetizers behind to move on to the main course–Kailey–and that has completely changed my modus operandi.
Kailey and I have the strangest compulsion to tell each other the truth about everything. It’s absolutely liberating. So, in the spirit of full disclosure I told Kailey about my past lovers, STD status (clean) and, of course, Steve’s contract and all friendship obligations thereunder. It’s not the easiest thing to tell your new sex kitten that you need time away from the catnip to see your buddies. But Kailey loved that Steve cared enough about spending time with me to have written the contract at all. In fact, she countered with her own made-up contract which states, “Aforementioned lovah is encouraged, with gusto, to continue life as she knew it prior to my introduction into her life, with natural provisions for a new relationship–i.e., no gallivanting naked with twenty-somethings who have tighter, firmer asses than mine.”
Oh, the delicious irony–no one has a tighter, firmer ass than Kailey. And when it comes to true love and friendship–I’ll sign on the line, any day. And so I did.