That is the question.
This week I encourage you to practice being Self-ish. Not selfish, Self-ish.
Being ‘selfish’ is acting with complete disregard for those people around you. It is lacking care, compassion and consideration. It is, basically, abusive and way below human value and quality.
On the other hand, practicing being Self-ish is learning to attend fully to you first, so that you can then be of real value to others and with others, especially by encouraging them to get their needs, wants and desires met, just as you are doing.
This is the exact opposite of dependent relationships, where the other person expects you to fulfill their needs (or vice versa) and when you don’t, they accuse you of being “selfish”. What that is really saying is: “How dare you attend to your needs before attending to mine? How dare you do what you want to do, and not what I want you to do.” In other words, it is a huge victim manipulation.
Attending to you is an act of self love, and grows your capacity to love others. Imagine if all of your needs, wants and desires were being fulfilled – how generous, kind, loving and happy would you be with other people? Answer: very.
So, take a few minutes and list all the ways you can be more giving to you, list what is missing that you would love to have in you and your life. There is your ‘work plan’.
They can’t do it for you. We have patterns that go back to waiting for parents to give us the love and nurturing we wanted that we did not get (all of), and so we look to others to take on that role. Not going to happen in a healthy way. Being Self-ish is taking responsibility for ‘parenting’ yourSelf now, of growing into full adulthood.
Then you can give yourself whatever you want, and share that with those you love.
If you want approval from others, look inside and find it in yourself. If you want others to value you, what is it about you that you truly value? (A big one for me: that no matter how hard the tests and challenges my life brought me, I never gave up, but faced them, mastered them and learned from them. To do that, I must love and value mySelf.)
Look at the qualities you admire in others and set out to grow them in yourself – that, too, is an act of self love. The more you practice true self love (not ego stroking), the more capacity you have to love and value others too, and then the more they will love and value you. You will be an inspiration to those around you, becoming more human and happy together.
– Gregory Charles
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