A couple of weeks ago, I went to the premiere of “Sense & Sensibility The Musical”, which is an awesomely hilarious interpretation of that beloved Jane Austen novel. About half way through the show, it dawned on me that there was something big missing from my relationship. It was kind of like that feeling you get right after you have your first child. You’d been walking around perfectly content for 20-or-30-some-odd years and then, all of a sudden… BAM! You’ve got five stitches in your lady parts and you realize life is somehow a little more complete.
And, so, I’d been walking around all this time thinking my LTR was spectacular and then… BAM! I realized something big was missing.
Ben: “Maybe it’s sex.”
Me: “No, that’s not it. Nice try though.”
Ben: “Maybe life was more romantic back then because people weren’t watching sitcoms about wives killing their husbands every night before bed.”
Me: “What’s wrong with ‘Snapped’? Seriously, stop talking.”
The problem doesn’t have anything to do with minimal sex or the enthralling who dunnits. No, not even close. It wasn’t the long walks to nowhere or the impromptu poetry readings that made the Nineteenth Century so damn enchanting. And, I assure you, it didn’t have anything to do with those super evocative bustiers. (Alright, yes, that last one probably didn’t hurt anything).
It’s common knowledge that the 1800s were sexy because, back then, everybody spoke in this totally obscure, whimsical language overwrought with “arts” and “dost thous”. If you want to have a better relationship with your partner, simply start incorporating this sort of language into your daily life.
I assure you, everything (even iced tea) is better with a little Old English thrown in:
“I shall punch thou in the dick if my love leaveth the toilet paper roll thingy empty once more.”
“Might thou be so kind as to shut-the-effing-door whilst defecating on the ‘morrow?”
“Thou shalt be smothered tenderly in thine sleep if he persist in his refusal to hang up his frock coat.”
See? It works. I just saved your marriage. You’re welcome.