Hump Days: Sex and Fine Dining

A female friend of mine in LA a few years ago said to me, “I don’t know why men think that we should enjoy sucking their dicks. They should pay us for that.” My silence was response enough, and she said, “Do you do that….and do you actually like it?” I told her that I couldn’t imagine a more powerful position for a woman to be in, than to have a man’s most precious organ between her teeth. In my mind there’s something incredibly empowering about it. There is certainly a trust factor involved. It seems odd to me that so many women think of giving head as subservient. Once again, I think that idea is simply a matter of social conditioning. If you truly enjoy giving pleasure to your partner, oral sex is certainly high on the scale. And as the receiver of said pleasure, to allow someone to dine on your most private parts in my opinion is an act of surrender. If you are truly going to enjoy the gift, and receive graciously, you really need to relinquish control. Sex is a balance of give and take after all.

What I find interesting is the number of men I talk to who enjoy cunnilingus almost as much as they enjoy fellatio. What puzzles me, is that there are women I’ve talked to who actually say they don’t enjoy either. The only thing I can think is that they haven’t had the right partner in the act.  Oral sex can provide a woman with some of the best orgasms she can experience, when done properly. What is proper when it comes to going down on your partner? That’s very subjective. What works for one woman may not work for another, and the same could be said for men, although their ability to reach orgasm is rarely as elusive.

If you are under the age of thirty, enjoy ‘eating at the Y’, and are by now exclaiming, “What the fuck is she talking about?” I would not be surprised. A chart published by the Kinsey Institute from the 2010 National Survey of Sexual Health and Behavior (NSSHB) indicates that among American participants aged 18 to 29, the percentage of heterosexual females who received oral from men either surpassed or nearly equaled the percentage of heterosexual males who received oral from women. Oddly, the number of women on the receiving end drops significantly compared to men on the receiving end in the age ranges of 30 and above. I will add to that my own experience. In reference to the last blog I published on cougars, my older girlfriends used to ask me how I could enjoy sex with men in their twenties when they were so young and inexperienced. They told me they didn’t want to train little boys anymore. Much to the contrary, I was pleased to report that most younger men had it going on, and knew better than most older men how to please a woman. Perhaps it was because they were reading online sex articles or watching internet porn for the past decade. Furthermore, they had more stamina and a quicker recovery time, which is more in line with the drive of the experienced, multi-orgasmic mature woman. Thus, I was dubbed ‘the Cougar Coach’ by my friends. But I digress.

Since the same NSSHB survey indicates that anywhere between 22 and 92% of participants over the age of 18, regardless of gender, and depending what age range you fall into, are missing out on one of life’s greatest simple pleasures, I thought I should provide some ‘oral sex etiquette’ tips.

1. Do unto others as you would have them do unto you. If you want your woman or your man to take care of your needs orally, be prepared to reciprocate.
2. A fine meal should be as appealing to the eye as it is pleasing to the palate. Good grooming is essential. If there was a hair in your food at a restaurant you would send it back to the kitchen. Women put themselves through the hell of waxing or shaving the little kitty, so men should extend the same courtesy.
3. A fine wine should have a pleasing bouquet. An organic apple cider vinegar douche works wonders for women and will restore the PH of your vagina if you are having any issues. Keeping the downstairs clean, whether you’re male or female, will make it more inviting. A friend of mine, who is a famous porn star, told me that drinking pineapple juice or consuming celery will also make a man’s semen taste more pleasant.
4. If your partner is not a gourmet cook, provide a recipe for success. If you’re not happy with the results, provide a little verbal feedback and guidance. Becoming familiar with your own body through masturbation will help you to know what feels good.
5. Facials are better at the spa. If you wish to reenact your favorite porno scene make sure you have buy-in from your partner before you come. And when you do, be sure you have precise aim. If you’ve ever been snorkeling in the ocean without a mask with your eyes open and contact lenses in, you’ll know what it feels like to get semen in the eye.
6. Nobody wants to be force-fed. If your partner has a gag reflex and isn’t Linda Lovelace, let her take the lead.
7. Some foods are just better with sauce on them. If your aversion to the taste or smell overcomes your desire to please your partner, there are plenty of ways to spice up the dish. Flavored condoms can turn that nasty penis into your favorite Popsicle or all-day sucker, and organic, edible lubricants like Sex Butter, can turn that kitty stew into a peppermint pattie while simultaneously enhancing orgasm.

So there you have it – seven tips for sensuous fine dining at home. Bon appétit!