I first ran into Kailey at a lesbian party. We were both single and ravenous for each other at once, with a Tasmanian Devil-like force that threw the other lesbians in the room off balance. On our second meeting we made out like teenagers at an adolescent movie for a full hour before we realized we were old enough to take each other home. On our third encounter, we leisurely fed one another a romantic, candlelit dinner. After that, we didn’t leave her bed for nine days. Yes, lesbians have a propensity to shack up early. Q: What do lesbians do on the second date? A: Load up the U-Haul.

The Photo That Caused All The Mass Hysteria

But, then reality hit–we would eventually have to come out as a couple to our friends. Lesbians, as a community, remind me of (pussy)cats. We are often aloof, vain and easily miffed–especially by new couples, since, due to our small numbers, we’ve pretty much dated each other and hold strong opinions about everyone.

Kailey and I began to write our Facebook status updates in romantic code to each other. One night, as she slept in my bed, I was moved to photograph her naked back and serene face. She made this her new Facebook profile picture. And then our community’s collective claws came out.

One of my exes recognized my bed in the Kailey photo and seemed to think it was still her scratching post. Her ex called it soft porn and accused her of flaunting her new-found happiness all over the Internet (and her point is?). Then her ex and my ex started talking about it in code on each other’s Facebook wall. And then they each told two friends…who told two friends…and now certain people aren’t speaking to us.

Why does one couple’s bliss attract hostility? And this was just on Facebook–what happens when we actually leave the bed? Load up the U-Haul: fifteen days into this lesbian relationship, we need to move into a fallout shelter and strap on the riot gear to beat back the tide of unwell wishers. But we’re lesbians in love–so instead, we’ll probably go with a well-landscaped bungalow and adopt a couple of shelter dogs to chase the cats away.