Valentine’s Day is almost here! To navigate the Denver dating scene, you’ll need some guidelines. We’ve broken down a few satirical archetypes/stereotypes of guys in the city.
Think of it as a sort of 303 Magazine review of ex-boyfriends. Here are 12 guys you date in Denver
The Crust Punk
Crust Punks are usually good looking, if you can see them underneath the beard, tattoos and piercings. Always quite intelligent and an artist type, a Crust Punk uses social media very well, but mostly ironically. He somehow cares about everything and nothing at the same time. He looks super cute in cut-off shorts and a denim vest. He’s sometimes a pilot or a bartender, or both. Who needs deodorant when you have existentialism and a fixed gear bike?Natural Habitat: Streets of London, The Hi Dive, Illegal Petes
The LoDo Bro
The LoDo Bro is the reason for full-length mirrors at the gym. The Lodo Bro isn’t shying away from his bro-ness. He accepts it and flaunts it. He posts Instagram pictures of his protein-fueled meals and hashtags #fitfam. He often wears snap-backs and tight, pastel v-neck shirts. Babe but boogi, materialistic and possibly over compensating for something, the LoDo Bro is looking for his swolemate in all the wrong places.Natural Habitat: The ViewHouse, The Tavern, Brothers
The SoBro Bro
The Sobro Bro, in contrast to the LoDo bro, hasn’t fully come into his bro-ness. He wears confused mixes between bro-fitted tees with collars and cut-off jean shorts with Converse. Or he wears cargo pants and a “Keep Calm and Chive On” t-shirt. The Sobro Bro is in complete denial of his bro-ness. But it isn’t his fault, after all, for the SoBro Bro is just looking for a place to belong in the world. You can run as far south down Broadway as you want, but you can’t run away from who you are.Natural Habitat: The Punch Bowl, The Historian
The Ski Bum
The Ski Bum is one of the most free-spirited men you could date in Denver. The Ski Bum will beg you to come shred with him in the mountains every weekend, and not waste a single minute of time off during the winter season. You’ll have plenty of time to talk during the awkwardly personal chairlift ride up the mountain. Most Ski Bums grew up or live in the mountains and therefore know how to get down. Mountain kids go hard. Take him on a date to X-Games 2015 and he will surely fall in love.
The Eternal Student
“A lot of people go to school for seven years.”
“Yeah, they’re called doctors.”
We are all Eternal Students to some degree. You will fall in love with his childlike sense of wonder and absolute, ideological faith in the world. But having three majors and four minors is what we call Toys-R-Us syndrome. He doesn’t want to grow up. Start your career and start navigating the Denver/Colorado job market as soon as possible. And whatever you do, don’t switch majors again.Natural Habitat: The Auroria Campus, Denver Public Library.
The Tinder Wolf
The Tinder Wolf often uses a profile picture of himself and a hotter friend so you can’t tell which person he is. The Tinder Wolf is not so much a predator, just someone looking for love in the wrong place – on Tinder. All people on Tinder must, by Colorado law, include at least two of the following phrases in their profile: 420-friendly, hiking, rock climbing, biking, snowboarding, skiing, and/or the outdoors. Tinder is perfect for those who want a ton of attention and have little interest in emotional affection. Be careful of those on a Tinder bender, for they have probably been on six dates in the past hour. If he uses any version of the phrase “Just looking for my Tinderella,” then swipe left immediately. Rest your Tinder thumb, as over right-swiping can cause pain and discomfort in the iPhone hand.
The Sports Guy
What else can we say? Sports Guy loves sports – all types of sports, and we can’t blame him. Denver is home to some of the most killer stadiums for watching games in the country, including Sports Authority Field aka Mile High Stadium and the Pepsi Center. Sports Guy bleeds orange and blue. He is a diehard Broncos fan, a pretty hard Nuggets fan, a moderately hard Avalanche fan, and a sorta hard Rockies fan. Sports Guy will take you to the best games in town, in exchange for you pretending to care about the outcome. It’s a small price to pay, and hey, his competitive nature will be a positive in the bedroom.Natural Habitat: Sports Authority Field, The Pepsi Center
The Coffeehouse Hipster
Be sure to study up on “Game of Thrones” and “Dr. Who” references before dating a Coffeehouse Hipster. He will never love you as much as he loves his Warby Parker glasses. Keep in mind that he is an artist and pretty sensitive about his shit. Roams from coffeehouse to coffeehouse in search of free Wifi, he usually majored in Creative Writing, Anthropology, Philosophy of Religion, or any number of super useful degrees. His free-spirited beauty can be intoxicating. But be weary – hipsters pretend to be things, including in love. Tread lightly as the Hipster is skittish and easily frightened by commitment.Natural Habitat: Linger, Leila’s, Thump, Denver Bike Cafe
Always good looking, but one of the most aggressive predators in the Denver dating scene, the Hustler will show you poor audio recordings of his rap songs on his iPhone until you’re bored. The Hustler is a great dancer and probably a little sexist. He has a series of badass tattoos that you should never ask about, because you don’t want to know. If he tells you his attitude is more Drake, but his swagger is more Kanye, run.Natural Habitat: Chances, Cold Crush, The Church
The Woodsman lives in Cap Hill, wears plaid, and it seems this should already be implied, but he has a beard. Everyone in Colorado is a bit outdoorsy, but the Woodsman is kinda a dick about it. He has absolutely no form of social media. The Woodsman refuses to pay for cable but loves “Breaking Bad”, “Louie”, and many shows that cable provides. Will play you acoustic songs on the guitar until you’re bored, the Woodsman is great in bed and in inexplicably good shape for drinking so much whiskey. This almost makes up for the fact that he has never voted.
He has the best car, the best job, the best life, and he goes to all the best events in Denver. The Socialite is trendy…a little too trendy. Everything seems perfect from the outside but the Socialite is hiding a deep, dark secret. I don’t know what it is, but trust me, it’s pretty fucked up.Natural Habitat: The Source, Matchbox, Meadowlark
Tells his family he’s going to Denver for the weekend to go “hiking”, but the Tourist is really here to smoke recreational marijuana and hit on you at the bar. He may be in town for a conference and be wearing a lanyard/badge of some kind. He genuinely has no idea where he is, but feels comfortable enough to lay it on the line and we respect that. Don’t worry, I’m sure he’ll call next time he’s in town!Natural Habitat: LoDos, Scruffy Murphys