What do we want? Results. When do we want them? Now. No, seriously, right this second. Sound familiar? Eating well and exercising will help you in the long run but it won’t provide quick positive results, unlike a fast food diet where we can see negative results immediately. For those of us doing our best to make better lifestyle choices regarding exercise and diet because we know the importance, I think we can all admit that waiting is hard and we often find ourselves seeking shortcuts.
Wearing all black. Dude, it’s totally slimming. I’ve been guilty of this shortcut, especially when I’m packin’ a few extra LBs. Black hides our lady lumps (or man lumps? What are those called, Fergie?) and just sort of smooths everything out, or so we tell ourselves. I always think an all black ensemble is the best way to go when I want to look my trimmest, but looking back at old pictures from my dark days, I just looked more like a chubby person perpetually coming from or going to a funeral.
Rocking a huge statement necklace (usually on top of an all black ensemble). Hips a little too big for your liking? Slap on a big necklace to draw attention away from them. Pros: 1. People complimenting you and asking “oh I just love your necklace, what stores even sell huge gaudy stuff like that?” 2. A secure feeling from being weighted down by the huge necklace in case you run into some gusty winds. 3. Getting a great upper body strengthening workout whenever you put it on or take it off. Cons: 1. You won’t be able to visit the zoo anymore because peacocks will chase you thinking you are looking for a mate. 2. Amateur jewel thieves.
Spray tan contouring. Nothing says fit and trim like watching someone’s abs melt off after getting out of the pool. I’ve never done this but it sounds like a disaster waiting to happen. What happens when you’re in your bikini at the pool showing off your perfectly (sprayed-on) chiseled form (aka remembering to suck in your gut) then you have a few drinks, eat too much salsa or guac, or get loopy from too much sun and forget to suck in? I feel like people might not believe the hard contour lines when your stomach begins to proudly show off a newly conceived food baby, but, hey, what do I know.
Also, face contouring. When done properly, it can be beautiful and slimming, but for those of us without professional makeup artists to tend to our every ugly-covering need, it can just end up looking like war paint instead of natural beauty. Ever try to put on make-up after you have had a drink or have been drinking? Do not attempt to contour your face, I repeat, do not attempt to contour your face. The bronzer and the blush will end up looking like you fell asleep at the beach and the highlighter will make you look like you’re a pre-teen who just discovered eye shadow.
Posing to make yourself look thinner (selfies, etc.). Why do all of my pictures look as if they were taken from someone passing by in an airplane? Why is my hand strategically placed on my hip in every freaking picture? Why is my body always at a certain angle in a string of Facebook photos? Because I am fooling you, you fools. Did it work? Do you think that I lost like a crazy amount of weight? No? Oh. Ok. Damn. You can take all the selfies you want after figuring out the complex Pythagorean equation of angles (I think they teach this in junior high geometry classes now) to make yourself look the absolute thinnest, but we’re all on to you.
Shape wear. Perfect for those days when you don’t have enough energy to stand up straight and suck it in. For those of us who have worn shape wear (guilty), the old Bridget Jones adage still rings true regarding the shape wear (“scary stomach-holding-in pants popular with grannies the world over”) vs. wearing a thong dilemma. From my experience, shape wear works right when you put it on and look in the mirror, but then when you move around a bit you start to notice the area it is hiding has merely migrated like Canada geese to a new unflattering location. So what do you do in this situation? The simple answer is, don’t wear it, chances are you don’t need it anyway. The complicated answer (which my friends and I have all fallen prey to) is to just add more shape wear! Shape wear on shape wear on shape wear. Warning, it’s hard to breathe with one article of shape wear on let alone, like, 30, so unless you hate breathing, just forgo the shape wear.
Wearing clothes that are a size or more too big. Let’s see, body I want to change + clothing that is tent-sized = skinny. Makes complete mathematical sense. Getting a tunic in a size too big that is already made to fit a little loose won’t make you look thinner or like you’ve lost weight and are swimming in all of your clothes now. It usually just turns out looking sloppy and depending on the article of clothing, frumpy. Might as well just skip a step and get yourself a big ass muumuu, it’s the same concept.
Heels. Heels can elongate the legs and make your whole body look taller, longer, and leaner. Some might even swear that wearing them can make you look a few pounds lighter. With heels, the taller, brighter, and more distracting detail the better. Not only will you look hot and feel good about yourself, but depending on the height of the heels you will also get multitudes of compliments, such as “Have you lost weight?” or “Which club are you dancing at these days?” or “How much?”