Not dyin' to make out with this one

First things first, I’m not really into vampires or vampire lore or Edward and Bella and their boring virginal relationship based on glittering, whining and chemistry experiments. But that doesn’t mean I don’t want to know why you (yes, you, Cassie, Shannon, Sarah and all the other seemingly respectable human beings) find vampires attractive, and thus, Googled, or started to Google: Are vampires and then before I could type out sexy, the results automatically populated in my Google feed:

Are vampires real?
Are vampires dead?
Are vampires real or myth?

Really, America? Are they real?

Anyway, apparently they are sexy, because if you finally type out, Are vampires sexy? The first hit is: Why Are Vampires So Damn Sexy? And, if you follow that link, there are creepily a bunch of photos of child vampires and then buried in the text this explanation: Vampires are the sexpots of the undead. Zombies are usually too blood-dribbly and rotted to be players. And ghosts are, well, insubstantial. Which leaves us with vampires, who are permanently young, beautiful, and possess a fierce need to suck things.

Hmmm… I basically can’t imagine a fate worse than spending an eternity looking like Taylor Momsen and being compelled to suck. Needing always to find somewhere to put my bored, hungry, little mouth while inevitably wearing crushed velvet in many different hues of purple and making melodramatic statements like, “You will never know my strength!” and “Before you…my life was like a moonless night!!”

And here’s something else: aren’t vampires supposed to do everything really fast? I’m the world’s most impatient human being, and, yet, the only place I don’t want someone to be fast, much less vampire fast, is in the bedroom.