Hump Days: Under My Thumb

Hello Wednesday.

Last week, I promised you an article about hate sex and bad men- and I plan on delivering, but it’s worth noting that the adorable angel I refer to as my boyfriend gave his mother maybe just enough info to find this column and nothing makes writing sex and all things sex easier than knowing that a woman you desperately need to impress might be reading it. So, thank you Mr. Tracksuit. Great call. Maybe when you’re done reading this, you could forward it to my dad too.

Anyway, what was my point?  My point last week was that women find nice, stable men boring, suspect and easy to walk all over- ideal for expensive dinners and shopping trips but not great for drama/pain/tears or love. And, thus, my point this week is if there is one thing a woman loves- it is a somewhat verbally abusive, emotionally stunted, totally indifferent, always misunderstood Lothario. There’s something about an inexplicable mood swing that just make women want to take off their shirts and understand.

What is it about a man with terrible manners, a car from the early nineties, a special voice he only uses for his dog and an inability to text in normal time that we just can’t resist? What about being told and shown repeatedly that we’re not special makes us feel so special? So tortured? So attractive? So eager to please?

People are put off when I give the following bit of advice, and I certainly understand why, but I stand by it: when someone comes to me and says, “she just isn’t that into me,” or “she didn’t call me back” or “she canceled last minute” my default answer is always, “Treat her like shit.”

And, yes, believe me as a friend and as a sister, I hate it when someone close to me is treated badly and I want to give them a hug and enough alcohol until they feel better, but I’m not wrong when I say that people respond to it. And, let’s be honest, the people I’m giving this advice to aren’t saying to me, “Everything is going great in my relationship and I’m so happy. How can I be even happier Jane Squeeze?”

Put this way, if you are playing games with each other, the relationship is probably already junk- in which case, you might as well win (and, yes, here- win means hate sex.) And, I don’t limit this advice to men trying to win the affections of women. I would never discriminate that way. It is my advice to anyone that is feeling the pain of a fleeting relationship or struggling with dating. People love confidence; indifference speaks to a certain type of confidence; and that type of confidence will get you on your back, sharing a cigarette of regret in no time flat.

Maybe it’s not healthy. Maybe it’s wrong. Maybe you are an adult and you don’t like treating people poorly, and maaaaaybe you’ll even feel like an asshole when you send texts that are one word and aloof (and that’s because you are, in fact, acting like an asshole) but it will work. Mark my words. There is something about being rebuffed, forgotten, replaced and ignored that universally makes everyone

Don’t believe me? You don’t need to, because not only does Mick Jagger agree with me, but he made an entire career of it. He’s not good looking, and yet, somehow he’s probably had more sex than the entire state of Rhode Island and he even penned a little song about taming a siamese cat of a girl…until she’s the sweetest pet in the world.

I’m getting turned on just writing that.

I rest my case.

Under My Thumb

  1. Jane Squeeze, I never fail to read your blog entries and think to myself that you are always, always right. And always hilarious. Wednesdays are my favorite!

  2. “What is it about a man with terrible manners, a car from the early nineties, a special voice he only uses for his dog and an inability to text in normal time that we just can’t resist?” Classic! It’s an act I have scene many times…too bad those that choose this way of life end up alone with a wife beater tank top, big belly, crappy mustache, and laying on some half torn leather couch eating potato chips…please…this one is so played out..find a new one BOYS!

    Love the article…made me laugh my ass off…not so sure it turned me on. 😉

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