Hump Days: Long hair is attractive–unless you’re Fabio

Yes, it’s true, I’ve found a haircut that I would describe as somewhere between hip and extremely hip that I’m considering- despite the fact that it includes bangs and everyone on earth knows that bangs are basically just something you will seriously regret in two weeks time. Regardless, I can’t wait to parade around Denver with my new haircut, my skinny jeans, a super pretentious summer scarf and aviator sunglasses. All of which seems to be fully supported by my female friends, who have said things like, “That’s fun” or “I like the bangs” which is markedly different than my male friends who have said things like, “Why would you cut your hair?” and “You have long hair” and “You might look like Haley Joel Osment  soon.” And then to my sad, extremely disappointed face which may or may not have meant, Haley Joel Osment feels sad, I received an unconvincing, “But you should do whatever you want to do” animated with a very unconvincing fist pump that I translated to mean, Go feminism.

I garnered a similar sentiment from The Rules, which followed up the passage, “If you need  a nose job, get a nose job” with “Wear skirts, grow your hair out. No one wants to date a boy.” Which could be problematic if I wake up looking like this in the morning.

Why do men love long hair? What is it about this mammal specific shaft of (basically) protein that does it for simpletons? Is it because they can braid it or pet it or hold it?? Is it because it shines or smells nice?

According to Ten Politically Incorrect Truths about Human Nature published by Psychology Today, men like young women because they are healthier and one very quick way to assess health (sexual health) is hair. Which is to say, if you don’t have nice hair, don’t grow it out because men will be internally revolted by your inability to accidentally get pregnant (reproduce) after a semi-awkward one night stand, and everyone knows that a man likes a fertile waitress.

What I cannot understand then is why no one is equally attracted to the luxurious locks of men. If long, shiney, thick hair denotes health, then shouldn’t the same be true of women’s feelings towards men with long hair? But that’s not how women feel. This woman, in particular, would rather You Tube Fabio getting hit in the face with that bird a million times over again than envision him on top of me or near me or even doing my dishes before starting a load of laundry with that hair. My unfiltered distaste for his mane of misfortune is how I justify the laugh that escapes my mouth every time I think about that bird flying into his nose and possibly breaking it. Is that nice? No, but in my mind, Fabio is basically a girl that’s really into weight lifting and butter substitutes, so I don’t care.

Point being, I’m getting a haircut tonight which means tomorrow morning, I’ll be less able to manipulate men.


  1. I think that confidence is sexy – yes most men like long hair but they also find Halle Berry delicious as well – I think long hair on men is hot ( think the tv show Spartacus) – with a beard without a beard I like it as much as the clean short cut and shaven look -you worry too much about what other people think – if you think you are smokin others will too

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