I have to assume that when my boyfriend asked me to live with him four months ago, he had no idea that his Memorial Day would include him discovering a three-month old banana behind my apartment refrigerator, and then his saying with an audible note of disgust, “There’s a banana back here.” Then understandable disbelief when I slammed my fist against the stove and exclaimed, “I knew it!” “You knew you lost a banana and didn’t look for it?” He asked, fear washing over his face as he stood at the threshold of the potential domestic nightmare known as Jane Squeeze. “Maybe.” The word forced itself out of my mouth as I was faced with a wilted, black, rotten banana. “Really? Because you just said, ‘I knew it!’ with a lot of enthusiasm.” Then, with slightly more passion than mid-westerners are usually known for, he said, “When you move in, please do not leave bananas behind my refrigerator.”
With the month of June, our cohabitating bliss and his increased anxiety about hidden rotten produce, begins. Like 12 million other Americans (and 70% of couples), we have decided to share rent and make all important decisions about outdoor patio furniture and kitchen rugs with no official commitment to one another.
To be fair, I have had reservations about this decision. First, I’ve lived with someone before and he’s lived with someone before and no one in that equation is married, much less still friends. Secondly, there is that damn rumor/journal article/scientific study/urban myth out there that concluded couples who cohabitate before marriage have higher divorce rates.
Okay. So, it is more than a rumor/urban myth. It was actually a study that came out in February of 2009 and was published by the Journal of Family Psychology. It concludes that the higher rate of divorce amongst pre-marital cohabitating couples boils down to the fact that many of these couples find marrying the wrong person is easier than breaking their apartment lease, dividing up the furniture and deciding who gets the dog.
Knowing that living together increases the chances of relationship failure, why do people still do it then? According to Galena Rhoades, a senior researcher at the University of Denver who co-authored the study, “More than 60 percent of participants ranked spending more time together as the number-one reason for moving in, followed by nearly 19 percent who thought “it made financial sense” and 14 percent that said, “I wanted to test our relationship first.”” I certainly list items one and three as true for me: I want to see more of my boyfriend, and as much as some people don’t believe in living together before getting married, I don’t believe in getting married without living together first. It freaks me out because it is a BIG DEAL, but if it turns out that my boyfriend has an extensive collection of chrome bumper balls purchased on nothing but credit, I need to know that before I enter into a legally binding contract with him.
Here are some interesting cohabitating statistics:
- The majority of couples married today cohabitated first;
- 55% of heterosexual cohabitators marry within five years of living together while 40% break up in the same time frame; and
- In every age group, the percentage of people living together has increased.
Not everyone agrees with the conclusions made by the Journal of Family Psychology study. Frank Fursternburg from the University of Pennsylvania, said this to Newsweek in May of 2001, “Paradoxically, more people today value marriage. They take it seriously. That’s why they’re more likely to cohabitate. They want to make sure before they take the ultimate step.” And, from William Pinsof, family psychology and president of Family Institute at Northwestern University, “…people who chose to live together before marriage are not the same as people who choose to marry directly. They comprise at least two different groups with two different attitudes toward marriage, religion, and relationships in general… To attribute premarital cohabitators’ higher subsequent divorce rate and non-premarital-cohabitators’ lower subsequent divorce rate to the fact that they did and did not cohabit before they married is unwarranted and bad science.”
Good or bad science, I can report that it has been fun so far and that all fruits are still in the refrigerator or on the counter.