There are just too many things I go through on a daily basis that require a lot of effort that should lose way more calories than they do. Because of this, I’m doling out new estimates for caloric expenditures. If only it could be this easy to lose, then I’d be in the best shape of my life. Here are the new calorie estimates:
400 calories: Cleaning before unexpected guests arrive
Nothing sends you into fight or flight mode like an unexpected phone call from your parents or a new flame saying they are on the way over to your house or apartment. Cleaning your entire living space in 10-30 minutes is equally exhausting as spending two hours at the gym. You have to push the vacuum around, dust, load the dishwasher (which is literally 4 inches away from the sink, how did these dishes pile up?), clean the bathroom (and realize how disgusting you really are), hide the booze (or more realistically remnants of booze from the night before), take out the trash (that’s been sitting by the door for two weeks), replace gossip mags with textbooks, and finally, make sure there isn’t any underwear lying around. No need to visit the gym after this adrenaline fueled routine.
150 calories: Taking a picture of your food to post on Instagram
Is there anyone left who doesn’t have to take a picture of what they are about to shove in their face and post it to Instagram? Because this socially required act consumes about 75% of our time, it should at least burn a few calories, right?
275 calories: Dodging guys wearing fedoras at bars
They’re all into you, they’ll sneak up on you from out of nowhere, and your mission should you choose to accept it (and you really should accept it) is to make sure you are as far away as possible at all times (you don’t know what’s under that hat). This can be a daunting task equal to a vigorous treadmill session. Getting a drink at the bar? Look behind you, he’s back. Quick, run back to your friends, when the coast is clear, run back to the bar, grab the drinks (a low impact weight workout) and run back to the table. He’s walking over again, grab a friend and hide in the bathroom for a while. Burn extra calories on the dance floor, and when he finds you there, burn the remaining few with a good old fashioned “Irish Goodbye”.
100 calories: Not making fun of Nickelback
This definitely burns some calories because let’s face it, the opposite requires no energy whatsoever.
500 calories: Trying to carry all of the groceries inside in one trip
First, it’s a mental workout. Figure out what you can put inside of another bag, try to make sure the weight ratios are even by equally distributing the milk and the orange juice. Then fill up one arm and one hand, then the other arm, leave a hand free for the keys, and grab the toilet paper under your chin. You might lose a few apples on the way in, but not making the extra trip is worth it. It’s not being lazy, it’s being efficient, cunning, and requires the utmost endurance. This should easily burn more calories than is expected.
250 calories: Taking off your coat while driving
That’s right, John Candy in Planes, Trains, and Automobiles style. Have you ever tried this? It’s like a turbo boost Pilates work-out but even more challenging. This should definitely count towards your daily calorie burn.
375 calories: Keeping up with the Kardashians
Because it’s not just the Kardashians. It’s the Jenners, the Disicks, The Odoms, and now freakin’ Kanye West. Keep up, and ultimately you’ll lose some calories in the long run, or maybe just some brain cells.