The majority of my day is spent with my eyes rolled halfway into the back of my head dismissing people for trivial shortcomings like wearing Birkenstocks or thinking Dave Matthews still makes good music, while wondering why the world can’t be more like me? So, it is sufficed to say that when I like something, I really, really like something. I realized this on Friday when I listened to the song “Karma Police” for the 333rd time in a row and it occurs to me that I love Radiohead the way Mel Gibson loves alcohol. I can be compulsive and if I had less self-respect, I would be more than happy to spend every waking moment with a new boyfriend.
I was reading this article from Happen Magazine about the Top 5 Things That Drive Men Crazy and while I consider Game Playing/Manufacturing Drama to be 100% integral to a relationship and am, thus, confused by its inclusion on the list, I do agree with Item Five: “Not Giving Him Enough Guy Time.” The article then goes on to support this theory by explaining that in ancient cultures guys needed a lot of guy time, but I don’t know if that’s the strongest argument given that in ancient cultures, guys also needed a lot of rape, murder and how-to-build-a-cape-made-out-of-animal-fur time. Point being, the world has changed, but nevertheless it pigeons strongly with my argument that not only do guys need their own time, but you need your own time to listen to Radiohead, in your car, alone, 333 times and/or to make/maintain friends.
You’re in love. Great. How exactly do you plan on boring the shit out of everyone with totally lame stories about the nice thing he did if you only hang out with him? Or, conversely, when you break up, how are you going to over analyze his email, “I don’t need my bottle of Pantene back. Have a great summer” for two straight hours when you no longer have friends? How are you going to find out what he really, really meant to say when he said, have a great summer instead of have a great life? Who else will help you diagnose his deep seeded psychological problems that have led him to just not be ready for a relationship right now, while leaving out the crucial part of that sentence which is not ready for a relationship right now (or ever) (with you). Who will point out that maybe he’s moving on because he wants someone with a life bigger than him?
Not only do I find dropping everything for your new relationship to be a bad personal policy doomed for epic failure, but I also think it’s insulting to the friends you maintained previously. It’s like saying, “One penis can trump years of friendship but thanks for listening to my inane boy talk for hours on end. I’ll get back to you when I need someone to throw me a bachelorette party.”
Conversely, I wouldn’t respect a boyfriend that dropped all of his friends or interests for me- but I might respect one that thought about giving up his dog. Just kidding. Just kidding. What’s not to love about a seventy pound pitbull that compulsively sheds and will prevent us from ever living in Denver proper?? Seriously, I am kidding, Dog Lovers, so you can simmer down. Dogs are the best thing ever. Not really, but if you live in Denver and you’re single, that’s a position you better learn to pretend to have… but that’s next week, not this week. Speaking of which, what was the point of this week? Right. It’s fine to be obsessive about Radiohead, but not about your boyfriend or Dave Matthews.