Every once in a while, my shopping trip to Target off Colorado Boulevard ends with me staring at the enormous purple Fascinations sign, alternately contemplating two scenarios. The first involves the joy of bringing home a brand new vibrator and the second involves me running into my 62 year-old Graduate Research Writing professor while holding the 3-Speed, Waterproof Perfect Boyfriend model in my hand. And, we don’t run into each other at the cash register either, we run into each other by the Liberator display, which he’s studying intensely, like he’s going to Charlie Sheen someone on one of those things, before he notices me and is all, “Oh, hi.”
And he looks at my hand, and he sees something that looks perfect and that looks waterproof and is like, “Having a good weekend?” but it comes out so fast it sounds like one word all smashed together. “Havingagoodweekend?”
And I’m all, “Yeah, I was.” Clear my throat, “Speaking of which, I won’t be in class on Monday because I’m going to go kill myself now.”
I think it is this unjust attitude, this embarrassment toward possibly the second best thing after fire that has kept vibrators down. Kept them oppressed. Kept them in the domain of sex shops, pleasure parties and internet purchases rather than in the celebratory light they deserve. Also, it might be the names. I don’t actually own a waterproof perfect boyfriend, but this is a nightmare- so I went with the most disturbing thing I could find on an internet search and that’s what came up right after the Nasswalk All-American Real Skin Whopper Vibrating Dong.
However, according to this New York Times article, Vibrators Carry the Conversation, published last Wednesday, vibrators might be on the brink of getting the recognition they so deserve, weird names or not, and the first step is Walgreens. Walgreens? You might be thinking. Walgreens is where I curse myself every six months for buying a vibrator that only takes hearing aid batteries while telling myself that the 17 year-old kid selling them to me just thinks I have a deaf elderly relative at home and doesn’t, in fact, think I’m a world-class pervert. At least, that’s what Walgreens means to me.
Thanks to demand though (according to the Times article, over 50% of American females have used vibrators, of which 80% have shared with their partner), Walgreens is going to start carrying relatively cheap models, from $19.99 – $39.99, in their stores next to condoms.
Incidentally, other people who like making money have noticed that vibrators are pretty awesome as well. The article features Suki Dunham, who has made a vibrator that works with an iPhone app to sync your iTunes library to your new best friend. One can only imagine the crescendo of loneliness you could feel while electronically stimulating yourself to a super sad play list of Dave Matthews Band and Maroon 5 while wearing a teddy that only you have seen.
On an end note, the article also mentions that vibrators have enhanced sexual pleasure for the past 100 years. I am not sure how you prove something like that, but any tool that helps you understand your body better is something worth checking out.