Mickey Avalon touches himself

Mickey Avalon started slinging herb for his mom at the tender, albeit superstitiously unlucky age of thirteen. Although it sounds eerily similar to a plot-line from the brilliantly twisted Showtime dramedy Weeds, art has since imitated life (and not vice versa). When Avalon took the dreaded gateway drug route, though, she cut him off. Translation: mommy fired his @$$ for graduating to smack. Mickey ended up turning tricks for dope in his most desperate years. These days, he turns phrases for dough. And now his old lady works for him–as one of his managers.

“I’ve been working with my mom since I was little, so we trust each other. Now she works for me, so it’s cool. I offered to get her a pink Cadillac, but what she really wants, and she’s gonna have by her birthday, is an online store on my site.”

Teaching her son that the gateway drug myth didn’t have to be a given wasn’t the only pearl of wisdom mom was good for either. Raising a foul-mouthed hustler required a very special kind of parental logic. For example, vulgar language wasn’t inherently bad, but language that alluded to incest was crossing the line.

“One time, I told my sister to, ‘Suck my cacca.’ All of a sudden, my mom freaked out and started chasing me with one of those toy plastic racetracks that make a whipping noise. She never hit me, so this was pretty crazy. I knew I’d just said something that wasn’t nice, but I didn’t know where this came from. So she’s running after me, trying to kill me, when I finally yelled, ‘All I did was say, ‘Suck my cacca!’ She stopped, all the smoke came out of her ears and she said, ‘Oh.'”

‘What’d you think I said?’ I asked.

‘Suck my cock.’

‘What does that mean?’ She explained it and I said, ‘Eww! I would never say that to my sister!’

That particular incident was the closest Mickey’s mouth ever came to a bar of soap. It’s a good thing, too, as soap’s chances were hopeless. When company would come over, mom would often brief them on her kid’s knack for curse words, basically implying her child had a mild form of Tourette’s. Little did she know, profanity would make Mickey famous. “My Dick,” a rap song chock full of cock boasts, is easily one of Avalon’s most popular tracks. Even comedienne Margaret Cho was inspired enough to parody it for a YouTube clip of her own. As you can imagine, there are many memorable rhymes contained within the tune, but the refrain climaxes with a Bible Belt favorite: “We got dicks like Jesus.”

“That was kind of a joke. My mom says all holy guys were born circumcised, but Dirt Nasty made up the joke. ‘How did Jesus Christ get his name? He could suck his own dick.’ He was sucking his own dick, and then either Joseph or Mary walked in and said, ‘Jesus Christ!’ I’m sure he had a good dick. That statue of David that Michelangelo did, he’s got baby dick. He was probably a grower, instead of a shower.”

Witness Mickey Avalon drop F-bombs galore this Thursday, January 28 at The Church (1160 Lincoln).

George Peele enjoys strapping on height enhancers and aurally ambushing strangers. He is Music Editor for 303 Magazine. Follow Peele on Twitter: @Orangepeelmoses. Avatar image courtesy Jonathan Shoup.