It’s that time of year in Menver.
Pumpkin spice has already made its way onto the shelves, cinnamon burning down your throat. Summer flings hear those falling leaves and know their end is near. And, even though you had a great night with that Brazilian bartender in July, his mixology skills, and talented fingers, have decided that the cooler weather is the perfect excuse to dip out.
But his departure is right on cue for cuffing season. It’s a time where relationships naturally sprout left and right, everyone aching for another’s body heat is needed during the upcoming holiday months. I can practically smell the dopamine bouncing off his skin and feel the jitters of playful banter slipping from my breath. And yet, as tempting as the mustahce-and-mullet combo is, accented by a half-finished tattoo leg sleeve, there are still red flags to be mindful of, no matter how divine that forbidden fruit promises to be.
Thankfully, 303 Magazine has compiled a list of red flags with the help of experts. Dr. Chélynn Randolph, a Clinical Assistant Professor from the University of Colorado, Denver’s Couples and Family Therapy Graduate program, is a licensed therapist who specializes in helping people navigate relationships and significant life transitions. Her knowledge helped shape this guide to set you up for success this cuffing season.
Shall we begin?
The Performative Male Costume
Let’s start with that one over there. The guy wearing the same tote bag actor Jacob Elordi carried last month, a beanie rolled up once too many times and old-school Apple headphones with wires unsnipped. He seems unassuming. The perfect image of not trying too hard, juxtaposed with the hours spent throwing that look together. It’s approachable, yet intriguing. Something about him screams, “I’m soft.”
Too Much, Too Soon
A closer inspection of him is in order. The first date went great, spectacular even. He called me his “dream girl” and poured out his soul, highlighting the fact that he had never felt this way about another person, ever. Granted, he hardly knows me. Or maybe he’s built up a fantasy of me in his mind. Regardless, I’m his dream girl. Evidently.
An Ally by Association
He does stay well-read, though, in feminist literature, such as The Handmaid’s Tale or Anna Karenina, both novels centered on women’s perspectives and the consequential restrictions of a patriarchal society. Perhaps he does understand, despite early doubts. He deserves a chance.
Death by Disinterest
I also like books. Dystopian novels like Tender is the Flesh or The Giver remain falling from their spine with pages stained from mac and cheese noodles that accidentally plopped down during a heavy reading-sesh. I tell him this, and while you too enjoy novels like The Handmaid’s Tale, different perspectives are always appreciated. He recoils, claiming those aren’t “real books,” squashing your enthusiasm down to a pulp. Dr. Randolph notes to be wary of comments like these, in any realm you’re passionate about, from literature to even your coffee order.
Matcha Morality
He actually doesn’t prefer coffee anymore. No, it’s matcha lattes now. And while he may never admit that its earthy undertones actually taste like grass, he insists it’s his favorite. Especially when made with “ethically-raised” oat milk. He promises it’s better for the environment and swears on its ability to increase empathy somehow.
The Empathy Gap
“You hurt me,” you share, just after his empathetic milk touches his tongue. “I don’t have time to deal with this right now,” he bites back. Shrinking low into the seat beside him, all you wanted was an open conversation about his commentary on your new favorite novel. Dr. Randolph regularly works with couples on communication, emphasizing the importance of listening to each other, especially when one partner is only half-aware to what the other truly wants to say.
Sounds of Alleged Sensitivity
Clairo and The Backseat Lovers are soft-indie favorites, coded in heartbreak, and he’s been preoccupied with them lately. He feels things deeply when he listens, oozing in vulnerability. Sure, he didn’t seem keen on talking about your feelings. But maybe he can at least speak kindly when he’s upset, like how these artists, mostly, do.
When Vulnerability Turns Volatile
He’s been rather quiet today. Avoiding all connection attempts. Finally, you muster the courage to ask “What’s wrong?” He explodes, shouting that you don’t understand him, he’s made out to be the bad guy and can never do anything “right.” Dr. Randolph encourages couples to express their feelings respectfully. And, blowing up at your partner doesn’t fall in that category.
The Self-Proclaimed Creative
He is under a lot of stress, though. In a capitalist world where nepotism runs high, finding a career even at entry-level, is undeniably brutal. But, when he claims to be a “self-made creative,” hoisting pile after pile of unfinished poetry he swears will get noticed one day, he promises there’s no need to worry. Because maybe then, and only then, he will finally buy the house of his dreams for you both to live in.
Consent Isn’t Optional
However, financials will not be his responsibility in the meantime. He even suggested matching tattoos, “it’ll be cute,” he commented. Despite pleas against the idea, he pushes that it’s for the “artistic vision,” contingent on an apt couple’s aesthetic. Dr. Randolph warns that pressuring behaviors are severely problematic, with the emblazoned half of a heart tattooed on the upper shoulder, serving as a permanent reminder.
To cuff or not to cuff?
And now, here you are.
Someone you are not.
You entered this relationship hoping for the best, believing what you saw was real. But, over time, that facade crumbled. Of course, none of the pop-culture cues on this list automatically signal trouble. Many men genuinely enjoy Clairo, read Anna Karenina or appreciate the taste of matcha lattes. What matters is whether those things align with who they are.
Ultimately, words and images are meaningless without actions and behaviors to support them. Trust me, I know it hurts. He seemed so perfect.
He did.
I thought so, at least.