I’m not much of a drinker. Sure, I’ll have the occasional glass of wine with dinner or a beer at a party, but I’m not the type of person who likes to get s**t faced (pardon my French) on a regular basis. Ramona and Sonja (or shall I say Ramonja) on the other hand, take their turtle time very seriously. After watching this week’s episode of The Real Housewives of New York City, I’m pretty sure that they could drink even the most party-savvy of college students under the table with ease. But with alcohol comes drama (and stupidity.) Watch out St. Barths, the ladies have arrived.

THE REAL HOUSEWIVES OF NEW YORK CITY — Season 5– Pictured: (l-r) Ramona Singer, Heather Thomson, Carole Radziwill — (Photo by: Xavier Merchet-Thau/Bravo)

The show begins with the gals driving up to a spectacular house (well, it’s more of a mansion than a house) in St. Barths (where they will be staying for the duration of the trip.) I won’t get into detail about how gorgeous the place is, other than to mention the fact that one of the bathrooms is larger than my entire apartment (yeah, the place is THAT big.) Even Ramona was speechless. Well, sort of: “I’m speechless and I’m never speechless,” she says. Uh, Ramona, you really put your foot in your mouth on that one. Walking around the property with champagne in hand, Ramona claims the master suite (surprise, surprise) and informs everyone that Sonja will be rooming with her. How adorable. A sleepover. Are you guys going to brush each other’s hair and gossip about boys?

At this point in the episode, the girls (and by girls I mean Ramonja) have been drinking since the trip began and things are beginning to get sloppy. But with a wine vending machine (I MUST get one) and plenty of other alcohol available, Ramona and Sonja keep on at it. That’s when things take a turn for the worse. I’m sorry, but when speech has become so slurred that no one can understand what you are saying, it’s time to put down the wine glass. No one wants to see a drunken fool. It’s pathetic.

THE REAL HOUSEWIVES OF NEW YORK CITY — Season 5 — Pictured: Sonja Morgan — (Photo by: Xavier Merchet-Thau/Bravo)

After a full day of drinking (and heavy drinking at that,) you’d think that Ramonja would lay off the booze a little bit. Of course not. We’re talking about Ramonja here. Bring on the banana rum and tequila shots! But this time it’s not just Ramona and Sonja who are ready to drink their body weight in alcohol. At Le Ti (a night club) the darling Countess decides it’s time to get in on the fun and downs a shot (like a champ, I might add.) Maybe she needed the liquid courage to get up on stage with the rest of the ladies and dance (in VERY revealing pirate costumes. Barf.) Nah. She just wanted to loosen up for the Johnny Depp lookalike she kept swooning over the entire night (Jacques who?)

The morning brings a very tired and hung over LuAnn. Then again, I would be tired too if I didn’t get home until 3 a.m. and brought a man with me (the ladies heard her come in, whispering French to a man.) But the Countess isn’t one to kiss and tell and claims that she ran into old Italian friends at the club who accompanied her back home. Right, because the native tongue of Italy is French. Oh, and you weren’t obsessing over the Johnny Depp lookalike at the club (seriously, if I had a dollar for every time LuAnn said “Johnny Depp” I would have a nice wad of cash.) LuAnn, you’re going to have to do better than that. If you’re going to lie about cheating on your boyfriend (poor Jacques), keep your story straight.

It seems to me that the ladies forgot to pack their dignity when they embarked on the trip to St. Barths. In 72 hours, the girls managed to drink enough booze to give an entire fraternity alcohol poisoning and made complete fools out of themselves. Hopefully Aviva’s arrival in next week’s episode will provide a sobering effect, but judging from the previews, there’s only more scandal to come. I can’t wait to be along for the drunken ride.


Jessica Kleinman is an art and culture intern/writer for 303 Magazine. She is currently studying journalism at the University of Colorado at Boulder. Follow her posts on Twitter