Has that burning desire you once had for each other been reduced to a pile of ashes? Is it possible to stoke those dying embers and get that fire raging again? Long-term committed relationships aren’t easy, but regardless of the divorce statistics, they are still the American ideal.  If you’ve ever been in one, however, you know how challenging it is to keep that fire stoked.  A lot of people ask me what the secret is to keeping a sex life spicy in a monogamous or committed relationship. Since the passion is so natural in the beginning of a relationship, we have a tendency to think it should always be that way. Unfortunately, that’s not the case, but anything worth having is worth working for. Why would your relationship with the most important person in your life be any different?

Instead of blaming the lack of desire on your partner, take responsibility for your sex life the way you would take responsibility for your career or your family’s well-being. You don’t have to be Einstein to know that doing the same thing over and over again and expecting a different result is insane. If you really love your partner, maybe it’s time to take a stand and make some changes before one of you ends up having an affair, or simply throws  in the towel for good.

After living in the same space for the last 2 ½ years, just this week, I had some accent walls painted with vibrant colors. It was amazing how everything in the room seemed to become more attractive because of the new backdrop. It was an easy and inexpensive fix compared to buying all new furniture or moving. I am suddenly inspired to organize every room and closet, and seem to have energy and focus for all those tasks I’ve been avoiding like the plague for the past year. It’s amazing how one small change can be completely transformational and rejuvenating. I was talking to a friend about this, and we got on the topic of how the same thing applies to one’s sex life. Change the backdrop and everything about the experience could feel new and exciting again.  

So if your sex life needs a fresh coat of paint or your passion could use a little lighter fluid to get that fire burning again, here are some ideas:

  1. Change the backdrop:  Try having sex in a different room. If you always have sex in bed, try the desk in your home office, the floor in the living room, the kitchen counter, or the back of the mini-van parked in your garage.
  2. Burn some calories: Take a long lunch and meet at a hotel or at home, if possible, and have each other for lunch. If one of you has a private office, do it there. It can be titillating to feel like you’re doing something naughty with the risk of getting caught.
  3. Don’t get naked: If you are in the habit of getting naked, jumping into bed and doing it, try seducing one another with your clothes on. For the ladies reading this, I would suggest that you wear a skirt w/ thigh high stockings or a garter belt and no panties, for easy access. Or take your time in undressing one another. It is also very erotic to be naked when your partner is fully clothed.
  4. Rewrite the script: If you have a particular style or habit you get into when having sex w/ your partner, change it to the exact opposite. For example, if you typically joke around and laugh a lot during sex, try having serious sex. My ex-husband and I were like Ricky and Lucy, even in bed, so one night I told him he wasn’t allowed to say anything, crack jokes, laugh, or even smile. I wanted movie-style sex. It was one of the most memorable nights of sex we ever had.
  5. Improvisational acting: Try a theme night or role-playing to bring your fantasies to life. Create a scenario where you each get to be whoever you want to be for the evening, or assign roles to each other.  For themes or characters you can use a movie, like Pirates of the Caribbean or a Bond flick for instance.
  6. Let the games begin: Play a game that you both end up winning. If you’re not comfortable or imaginative enough for role-play, there are plenty of sexy games out there.  One I’ve tried is Strip Chocolate which can be found in adult toy stores and online. A friend of mine told me that she and her husband play strip Band Hero. Or keep it simple and play strip poker. Almost any game can be turned into a sexy adventure.
  7. Plan an indoor picnic: Spread a blanket on the living room floor and have a picnic with erotic foods that you can feed each other, or eat off one another.
  8. Have an affair: With each other.  If you have children, get an overnight sitter and stay at a hip hotel, or a cozy B & B. It doesn’t have to be far from home. Order room service and pretend that you are on your honeymoon or having an affair. If you are comfortable with role-playing, go to the bar separately, act as though you just met and you’re taking a total stranger back to your room.
  9. Lights, camera, action: Change the lighting. For example if you always make love in the dark, try it by candlelight or with the lights on or drapes open.  If you’re feeling daring, set up the home video camera and make a movie. Watching it later could put you in the mood again.
  10. For the more adventurous :  Try having sex discretely in a public place.  I once had sex in the men’s room at a hardware store and I’ll never forget it. It gives a whole new meaning to going to Home Depot or Lowes to get wood.

Trying new things can sometimes be uncomfortable, but living a life without passion is so much worse. If everything in your relationship is good and boring sex is your major issue, get over yourself and take a risk. Be open-minded and have some fun. Even if something feels silly, it could lead to uncontrollable laughter and a fun memory to share with your partner for years to come.