Ultimate Twilight Marathon: This is actually happening.

The all-annoying, ridiculous term “Twihard” conjures images of either an all-male ménage a trois, or a really horny Cerberus. But in reality, this massacre of language has to do with those who have a raging boner for sparkly vampires, over-hormoned werewolves, and a dopey girl stuck between their two worlds. Yes, that’s right … The Twilight Saga, whose 15 minutes, like, really need to be up already, is back with a vengeance. And fans the world over – Twihards, if you will – are rejoicing.

Much like pop culture’s obsession with vampires, werewolves and the latest, zombies, this shit just won’t die. And in honor of the upcoming film Breaking Dawn – Part One, Stapleton’s Harkins Theatre is setting the stage for festivities celebrating our hero, the glitter-skinned Edward Cullen (or Edward Sparklecock as I prefer to call him) and his pending nuptials with the dopey-ass human Bella Swan. Jilted Bella-lovah Jacob Black and the rest of his hunky werewolf compadres are back as well for what is being billed as “the wedding event of the year.” And yes, you may vomit now, but please come back, I’m just getting started.

The Harkins deal is pretty sweet. For a mere $30, the “Ultimate Twilight Marathon” can be yours: admission to screenings of the past three Twilight films (more on those later) followed by the midnight premiere for that aforementioned wedding flick. They’re throwing in special commemorative swag and snacks too, including YOUR VERY OWN TWILIGHT LANYARD (*squee!) so you can prove you saw it first. After four of these films in a row, however, you’re on your own with keeping your soul intact. (I’m a ginger. Believe me, I know all about this.)

So, for any of my friends reading this who plan on calling me out …here’s full disclosure: YES I READ THE BOOKS. Suckered in by bad writing and simplistic high school drama, I tore through them in three days. It was a love/hate relationship – I knew they were awful and stupid and just plain wrong, but sometimes it’s necessary to read tales of obsessive romance written with less skill than my cat displays when chasing her tail.

Here’s what I learned from the Twilight series:

• Stephenie Meyer is an unintentional genius. She can’t write for shit, but she sure knows how to make teens squeal and fork over mountains of cash.
• Meyer likely lost her grade school spelling bee for the word “chagrin.” She has an unhealthy obsession with it. No, really. It might be on every page.
• She really likes describing the male physique, which (a) is creepy when you realize she’s talking about high school students and (b) leads me to wonder how much she’s actually gettin’ some. (Steph, honey, read our Jane Squeeze. She’ll fix ya right.)
• Love, according to Twilight, is obsessive and violent. You know, that awkward moment when you realize those “sexy” looks from your boyfriend really mean he wants to drain you of blood and murdalize your ass? Yeah, ladies. File that under the category of aw hells no.

(I could go on for days about the Twi-suck, but instead, please check out this comic by the brilliant mind behind The Oatmeal. Kinda nails it.)

I know, I know, these are beloved films and books. But, if forced to make Sophie’s choice between the two, I’d say the books are definitely better than the film adaptations. Why? Well, while I doubt even an A-list actress’ acting chops could save something like the Twilight films – what with their poor writing, choppy flow and overflowing amounts of ridiculous posturing – the presence of Kristin Stewart doesn’t help.  Her character, Bella, is supposed to be slightly clumsy, yet charming and smart. Because, you know, she reads Jane Austen and stuff. Stewart tries to convey this with the one look she’s mastered…the vapid, quite constipated, blank stare. Between her, and R-Patz’ apparent lack of a hair stylist, all I know is I am ever-thankful for Taylor Lautner’s abs which, quite honestly, should get star billing.

I’m tempted to see Breaking Dawn – Part One for the fact that Bella and Edward actually have sex – instead of whining about their desires for hours on end – because now they’re married and that makes it a-ok. (Don’t even try to tell me these stories aren’t Meyer’s version of morality tales, or I will smack you with a dildo and send you on your way.)

Anyhow, sex. Anyone else intrigued if Edward’s sparklemotion carries to certain parts of the anatomy? Yeah, me too. See you at the premiere on the 17th…I’ll be the one carrying a Forks, Washington mug and wearing a Twilight lanyard over my Team Jacob shirt.

Ultimate Twilight Marathon package:
Admission to the past three Twilight films (Twilight, New Moon and Eclipse) the midnight premiere of Breaking Dawn – Part One and many special extra goodies and treats.
Thursday, Nov. 17, 4 p.m.$30
Midnight Premiere, Breaking Dawn – Part One
For Twilight fans who just want to watch the latest film, Breaking Dawn – Part One, tickets are also available. Special prizes will be given away at the opening.
Thursday, Nov. 17. (movie time 12:01 Friday 11/18) Regular ticket prices.

Tickets for both are available at www.harkinstheatres.com/twilight or at the Harkins Northfield at Stapleton box office.

Laura Keeney originally became a professional writer because she was too cheap broke in college to pay for concert tickets. She’s obsessed with The Clash, gets easily distracted by politics and shiny objects, and thinks Spock is sexy. Check out her latest review of comedian Doug Stanhope and be on the lookout for a feature on Jax Fish House chef Sheila Lucero in the November issue of 303. Follow her on Twitter at @onnabugeisha. Avatar image: Evan Premer