File Under Must See: Cuz it’s Twilight, duh

Cedric Diggory was a brave and true boy. Just a refresher, he was the handsome lad in Harry Potter and the Goblet of Fire who met his gruesome fate at the hands of a snake-faced dark lord whose name must NOT be spoken. Tragic, as he was sooo handsome, comparable even to Edward Cullen of Twilight. Speaking of Twilight, a little movie called Breaking Dawn is premiering this weekend…

At 303 we do occasionally get perks, and following Laura Keeney’s previous “sparklecock” reminder that Bella and Edward have made their silver screen return, we got our hands on three passes for Thursday’s midnight premier along with two very lovely headshot keychains with Edward Cullen and Jacob Black. The place: Harkins Theatre in Northfield. Seven screens–seven windows into the magical world of Forks, Washington: where clouds hide vicious monsters vaguely resembling “vampires” who would otherwise sparkle like horny living diamonds in the flashing sunlight who have forsaken human blood and live as high schoolers, one of which is Edward who falls in love with Bella, but are actually over a hundred years old in which time they’ve managed to forge a sacred treaty with hot blooded werewolves, one of whom is Jacob, a ridiculously sculpted buff sexy boy/man/beast who loves Bella too.

Ok, got it?

To get into the spirit, we brought pillows to stick under our shirts in honor of Bella being pregnant. Me being a guy just didn’t seem to matter at the moment, but we scrapped the whole thing when we realized the pillows we’d brought were far too big. Walking to the entrance we expected–ok wishing to see–bat shit crazy tweenies hyperventilating at the thought of seeing Team Jacob pull his shirt over his head, which he does, right around the ten second mark–and they screamed, oh yes they did.

While we didn’t get what we expected at first, we still posed with glee in front of the marquee amidst the foggy Twi-hard surreality–inside: the people were many, the people were young, the people were buzzing, boiling anticipatory cauldrons. One fella even got his hands on what looked to be some quality mousse, gray makeup and sparkle blush, pretty full on…no doubt Twilight is a phenomenon in the truest sense, which is very interesting, because it is bad. There I said it.

With Twilight you either hate it, or you just don’t get it cuz it’s fricken sweet. Let’s say I love to hate it because it’s soooo ridiculous.

We sat down in the rear row of the front section, square in the middle. It was giggle-central in Snarkville at first, stifling ourselves with the angst dripping off the screen, but somewhere it just got exhausting…forty minutes of wedding, thirty minutes of honeymoon, the rest dealing with the fact that Bella gets pregnant, immediately after the tamest, yet somehow awkward, love scene ever. In the process she drinks her own blood through a straw (cuz the baby is apparently a vampire sorta thing) and gets a C-section by scalpel, but that doesn’t work the best so Edward decides to use his teeth. Credits roll past not too mercifully long after that.

Afterwards the three of us wandered out in a 2am stupor.

And though I sort of wished a wand-wielding evil wizard would have showed up somewhere in there and taught the principals how to act–I will admit with chagrin, oh so much chagrin–that I am very excited to repeat the process when Part 2 comes out…because no matter how bad it actually is, there’s a Mardi Gras party Vegas insanity there. Everyone’s doing it. One friend said that she was in the theatre during New Moon when Jacob took his shirt off and all the middle aged women let out a collective audible groan of approval. In my theatre they screamed, loudly…which is just so damn thrilling, how could Part 2 not be a necessity when it arrives?