ouija-board-and-pointer

Ouija Knows Best?

It’s newly twenty-twelve, and I am already sensing a trend for the year. Apparently, serious reflection is going to be the MO for the coming months. And I’m finding, in just less than thirty days, this modus operandi is slowly becoming a detriment to me. In other words, I’ve been handing out quite a self-inflicted self-esteem pounding.

Evaluating how I walk around in the world, metaphorically speaking, that is (I’ve got no problem whatsoever with how I sashay across a room), who I am, how I present and represent myself to others, the habits I’ve created and fed for years, some beneficial, some harmful. These assessments and questions have all but taken over my free thoughts. In fact, tonight in yoga, the brain chatter was louder than it’s ever been before—and it was not necessarily pretty. The point I’m trying to make here is that I am in contemplative land and I suspect I’ll be living here for the next many months.

After a couple of weeks of being fairly hard on myself, I finally allowed the truth to surface two nights ago in yoga, or, more aptly, resurface. Dah, dah, dum, drum roll…wait for it…here it is: I am dynamic and three dimensional (some might argue that a fourth dimension exists. I am in no way in a place to understand what that means, so if you’ll argue that, well…). There is no one or two things that define me. Or even three or four or five things. There is no checking-off-every-box-in-a-list complete predictability about me. For anyone, I hope. We’re all dynamic, right. Right? An individual life would be terrible if it didn’t shift and morph. I suppose things remain stagnant for a time, but eventually, all things must change in some fashion. But here’s where the sliding-into-the-new-agey zone that is starting to become more and more a part of my reality these days rears its zenny head…the way that this re-realization of dynamism has presented itself to me is through a somewhat odd yet cognizant desire to apply perceivable pressure to my THIRD EYE. Sounds crazy, possibly, but the THIRD EYE is about intuitive perception and wisdom. This slightly peculiar behavior I’m exhibiting, to want to steadily press into my forehead, it’s not been a conscious decision. I just, basically, started being forcefully firm on my forehead. Not painfully unyielding, instead, feeling subtle weight there rather than intentionally placing the weight there. See the difference?

From Halasana PLOW to Salamba Sarvangasana SHOULDERSTAND, when I know and absolutely feel I’m ready to pull my legs down to DEAF’S MAN pose, I’ve begun pressing my knees into my forehead, and I know they will rest long there till I feel ready and they just slip off of my THIRD EYE center to touch the mat beneath me. Or, standing upright, steadfast and strong in Samasthiti STANDING pose, moving my hands from my heart to my THIRD EYE and pause, pause, pause there. Reconnect with my breath, Ujjayi Pranayama, absorb, recognizing the contour and length of my thumbs, the heat of them, driving into the space between the bridge of my nose and the crown of my head. But not thrusting into, more like hovering against. Letting my intuition tell me when it’s time to move on to the next pose rather than something else or someone else dictating what to do, where to go.

Three years ago, when I was going through a lot of emotional stuff, raising my hands from PRAYER position at my heart to my THIRD EYE center was shaky business. As I crossed the space at my throat, my pressed hands trembled in a way that made me weary of the motion. I knew something was wrong, it wasn’t only the emotional turmoil I was experiencing, there was more to it than that. There was something wrong with my throat chakra, there were things I needed to say aloud, to get out and, ultimately, let go of. There was surely something going on with my THIRD EYE, my ability to use my intuition to guide me, keep me safe, and trust myself.

Tonight as I closed out my practice, I ended up being the last student in an empty studio. Empty by far. By many minutes. I fell asleep—for about the fiftieth class in a row, awwww relaxation and letting go really does do a body good—so when I woke, I moved to a seated position in my own time, no prompts, no hurriedness. Just peace and calm and tranquility. And intuitive movement. Or intuitive non-movement, as the case may be. There I sat quietly by myself, with my eyes gently shut to whatever was around me, having no idea there wasn’t a sole in the room. My hands moved from prayer position at my heart on their own, it felt like they were floating on a Ouija Board or something, and then settled into a new home at my THIRD EYE. There my conscious thought returned and I was moved to trust and follow my instincts: introspection and evaluation, is it a detriment or is it just as it should be? What happens when we stop the pursuit of perspective and wisdom? Eyes wide open; I’m beginning to see that I know just what I’m talking about. No doubt(s).

One Response

  1. Kimi Marin

    I think this is beautiful. I love how vulnerable and honest Aubrey is as she writes. I love that she can see her growth and how it shows in her body. I can see her in the warm room, sweaty, alone, and truly at peace.

    Reply

Leave a Reply