No anthropologist out on assignment in the Congo jungle, nor Antarctic researcher has endured as grueling a trek through as savage a wasteland as I have. Every week I expose myself to the newest offerings of the glow box. Once kind companions, there is now hostile silence in my household betwixt my television and I. One of us has changed, become an evil thing, corrupted by the influence of men; no longer a creature pristine and full of grace but fallen, broken, tarnished.

I honestly do not know if it is the television or I that have become a tainted thing. It is only a matter of time before one of us turns, completing the circle of life and snuffing out the pathetic existence of the other. I have armed myself appropriately. If this be my last article, know that my Vizio television has shuffled me off this mortal coil and please seek blood retribution for a life cast off so shabbily.

Here we go, for the third week running with the new shows appearing on the TeeVee.

Spartacus: Gods of the Arena

The Setup

This is the prequel to the Starz series “Spartacus: Blood and Sand” about the politics and hedonism that surrounded the Gladiatorial games of ancient Rome. The primary character is Batiatus, an ambitious young man put in charge of his ailing father’s gladiators. “Gods” is about his rise to power.

The Good

There is a reasonable amount of historical accuracy to the seedy underbelly of the Roman Empire. The sets and costumes are believable, even if the language is totally anachronistic. You can often sense the unwashed feeling of a city teeming with a populace that has no access to indoor plumbing. The scale is as epic as one would expect from any drama set in Rome. Besides which, there is blood and sex galore.

The Bad

There is blood and sex galore. Look, I like T-N-A as much as I like sweaty men decapitating each other. It reminds me of my bar mitzvah. However, I find it a little preposterous that our declining society is watching the same ridiculous spectacle as the declining society of Rome. Just because it isn’t up close and personal, doesn’t make it any less of a grim irony. The dialog is horrendous, throwing around modern obscenities and colloquialisms with a faux-ancient sentence structure and delivery. It is mostly trite and insulting, sounding like the first time a grammar student is asked to write in iambic pentameter.

Perfect Couples

The Setup

Three couples with various forms of dysfunction try to live both with their partners and each other.

The Good

The first episode was cute. It was quick and fluffy and generally fun with some ridiculous moments that seemed to work very well. I wouldn’t put it at the same caliber as 30 Rock, but it is in the same general area. There is a great degree of laughable excess to the character’s behavior and no one is really believable as people. Rather they are sitcom actors that are inviting the audience to enjoy a play rather than trying to create a world that has a reflection of reality in it. I know it is essentially a format in which television is being self-effacing, but it’s enjoyably light.

The Bad

The problem at this moment is that none of the characters stand out as central figures that the audience can relate to. Watching antics is enjoyable once, but unless they have a bottomless bag of tricks, I’m not sure how long we can expect amusing oddities to be enough. Viewers cannot live on a marshmallow diet. Puffy and fun doesn’t create the desire to tune in time and again. However, most shows I sing the praises of die off after a single season, so I’m a terrible cat to go to for predicting sustainability. My DVD collection is the equivalent of the island of lost toys for television.

Fairly Legal

The Setup

A sexy Latina – in spiked heels and attire that makes Dr. Cuddy of House look demure – acts as a legal mediator. While dealing with her father’s recent death and the takeover of his firm by her stepmother, she tries to reconcile cases with what is known as Alternative Dispute Resolution. It is a trick by which law firms try to keep cases out of the courtrooms in order to streamline the justice system by getting all parties involved to compromise.

The Good

Kate, our garish protagonist, is surrounded by a glut of very likable characters. Her ex-husband, her assistant, her brother, and even her trophy-wife stepmother all have enjoyable personalities that work in the opposite dynamic of the normal formula. Typically there is a strong central figure that is guiding the people around them, who are mostly comic relief. In this case, Kate is the comically distraught one that requires the unending support of the people in her life that are better and wiser. It makes the satellite characters very likable.

The Bad

The show is still driven by Kate and her manic misadventures. It feels a little like being in the back pocket of a bumbling sidekick instead of the usual steady main character. She isn’t charming and her personal life is nothing short of complete disarray in which she seems to be little more than a clumsy passenger. There is a reason that we typically choose protagonists that have leadership qualities rather than focus on the inept: We like to think of ourselves in control rather than grinning fools in tight skirts. On top of that, it is another legal show, with a professional woman slutted up like a streetwalker, much to the chagrin of Women’s Liberation everywhere.

Portlandia

The Setup

Portlandia is a sketch comedy show that mostly covers the strange and awkward independent subcultures that populate much of area around Portland, Oregon.

The Good

The performers are clearly from the Portland area, and have perfectly captured the independent, crystal-wearing, vegan, hemp-fiber, and canvas clothing subculture that populates Portland. For anyone that has never been there, imagine if Boulder and Denver had a child. The accuracy of the depiction is remarkable to the point that I felt the need to leave the room several times during the show just to purge the social awkwardness.

The Bad

It is not remarkably funny. It is taking aim at such a small subset, that after a few sketches, the clever idea has run its course. The point is made, and a whole half hour really isn’t necessary when there is such limited variation to content. Anyone that has to survive in Portland as part of the “mainstream” might find it apt, but when a similar experience can be had by starting a conversation with almost any woman with unshaven legs, there seems little reason to watch the show.

The Onion News Network

The Setup

Fake news from The Onion

The Good

It is so goddamn funny. They have stellar timing and honestly it must have taken hours to get the clips right because the deadpan delivery of the reporters never falters. The pacing is rapid and hilarious. I can’t say enough good things about it, if you aren’t watching it, you should be forced to register in a national database and hunted for sport.

The Bad

Like SportsDome on Comedy Central, I don’t believe that they will be able to keep it fresh week after week, season after season. They’re going to burn through their print material after a while and the ideas are going to get stale and repetitive. Like so many of the new series, there isn’t the character connection that happened with shows in the past which would ensure viewer return, week after week.

The Wrap

This week was even more pleasurable than last. The only real drawback was Fairly Legal, which wasn’t bad, just dull and uninspired. Sadly, that is often the fare that can be expected from USA Network. It seems for every Monk they produce, there are three or four shows that barely pass. I will however defend them, because no other network would do shows like The 4400, The Dead Zone, Psych, La Femme Nikita, and a multitude of others that had reasonably good runs and were very entertaining. In a world overrun with all singing, all dancing charlatans, at least USA keeps trying for scripted television.

Anymore the cable networks are the last bastion of creativity. The primary broadcast networks are turning their backs on us and turning into high school talent shows with higher production values. It gives me hope for the day when I pitch “So You Think You Can Ventriloquize?” “Survivor: Riker’s Island” and “Surprise, You’re a Hobo.”